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Knowledge

2011-06-12T17:20:00.003+08:00

begins with the fear of the Lord.

(Proverbs 1:7)

This fear is generally understood as a reverence of God. An understanding that He is Lord of lords and the highest of kings. He is Alpha and Omega; He is beginning and the end. A surrender to His greatness. In other words, knowing that we are unworthy but redeemed by Him out of love. My friend asked me if it's possible to recognize his greatness without realizing we're shit.

We don't see our unworthiness then see the greatness of God. But we come to understand that God is TRULY GREAT; then we know how unworthy we are. How can we call ourselves great when we had a glimpse of what greatness truly is?

We can only learn if we truly humble ourselves to do so. The problem is not with us knowing too much but always the problem with us thinking we know more than enough. I struggle with complacency. It sets in when I lose the perception - "the fear of the Lord". I think too much of myself. I need to reexamine my yardstick, beginning at the fear of the Lord.

I am currently at the crossroad of deciding if I should go to graduate school. (Yes, I can hear Shannon's voice in my head saying "go to grad school" implying it in the tone that it should not be a question) I know I need that Masters or PhD eventually. To teach. I'd love to enter that challenge of graduate school. But I don't know if I am ready for grad school. I have been in school for the past 16 years. I really do see it as my comfort zone. I enjoy sitting in classes a lot. I enjoying being a knowledge consumer; but not sure if I'm cut out to be a producer.

But when I look at God's work in this world,

this idiotic crossroad seem so petty.

Truth is, I have always been scared of making decisions. I rather the choices be made for me. Then, I can rant about it all I want and not own up for obstacles that come my way.

Crossroads

2011-06-04T22:41:00.002+08:00

A few days ago, I met a 15-year-old girl whom I've not seen for a year. The first few words that came out of me was, "You know, the later years will be easier. Now, it's bad. It's terrible. But later, it'll be better." There were no replies, just nods. So I nodded along, and said, "Yup, so you may go back to do your own things now."

I don't think I'm cut out to be a counselor.

When I was 15 or 14 or 16 or 17, I was constantly wondering what sort of person did God made me to be. There must be a purpose for my life, a purpose worth pouring my life into. I thought to myself, only a few more years away and I'll come to know the person I am and my purpose in life. I looked forward to getting older, and older and older.

I'm still looking forward to getting older.

I guess I finally come into terms that I will be constantly discovering who I am in god. This journey will be long and maybe hard but I'll never be alone.

I have been upset about not being where god want me to be. Not doing what I should. But my friend Sophie snapped me out of it. "What's all this 'should be' talk? Our god is immanent. He relates to you now, as who you are, not as how you were before, or his dreams for you to be his daughter that best represents him in your world. He wants you to know everyday of your life that you are not alone. He wants you to be happy, to thrive."

"Don't be too proud to allow our god to lavish his love over you."

Oh Lord, I pray for this reality to illuminate my spirit.

Late Night Babble

2011-05-31T04:15:00.003+08:00

Dear me,

So.

I want to be honest.

I don't blog often because I'm constantly stuck in this loop. Between wanting to say much and struggling to keep my feelings secret. It takes me hours to write a post because I constantly backspace lines I've wrote or stare at the blinking insertion point, wondering what is going to come out at the other end.

Knowledge is power. And I have been keep knowledge about myself so well so far. It's my power. Power that I gain from knowing more about you but disclosing less of me. This power isn't real. In fact, I've kept my feelings so secret that I no longer know them anymore.

I read recently (probably from someone's facebook status) that the most difficult time in your time is not when you don't know the people around you but the time when you don't know who you are. And that's me. I don't know what I am. I don't know what I feel. I don't know the different personalities making up who I am. I don't like this self-absorbed person dwelling in her feelings looking for someone to empathize with her. I see other people lost in their self-centered world and I feel sick. I don't want to be that person. I am not her. I am the third-person. I want to be the third-person. I wish I could be separated from myself and tell me what to do and do it. I wish I recognize situations and circumstances like I do when I watch movies about other people. If only I could see my life so clearly, I'd know me better.

I haven't write things down for a long time because I don't want people finding out about me. I want to remain hidden. Unknown. Like a really difficult calculus question that wants you to find the value of "x". I am the "x". I want the equation to be so unsolvable that you will never find out what I am. I yearn to achieve that status. And I don't know why.

Maybe I am prideful. I don't think that anyone deserves the honesty I can give. I don't trust that anyone can be completely honest to anyone at all. But lately I realized that the world is in chaos because people don't reveal the truth to one another. Lies are built on other lies. Unknowns are built on other unknowns. Only the Truth has the power to break those bonds. I experienced the Truth recently through a friend. And this Truth is powerful. It makes the image I have built for myself seem phony and negligible. In comparison, it is negligible. But alone, my troubles seem larger than life. Once again, I escaped to the third-person. I wonder who is this sad person typing this post. This sad person who is searching so hard for someone to understand her yet pushing herself so hard to be unsolvable.

I think about this verse and my head hurts - "Behold, I am sending you out as sheep in the midst of wolves, so be wise as serpents and innocent as doves." Matthew 10:16

When is the day I can completely understand the mystery that is you, GOD?

When is the day I can completely understand the mystery that is me, GOD?

I write that you live in me, but I really just see you tagging along with me.

I don't know what else to say. But I hope I've been sufficiently honest.

Sincerely,

your neglected self.

Summer

2011-05-19T09:46:00.002+08:00

This summer I want to focus on completing my thesis.

This summer I want to finish reading The City of God.

This summer I want to finish reading Catch 22.

This summer I want to finish reading The Black Swan.

This summer I want to learn 5 songs on the guitar.

This summer I still want to do my thesis!

This summer, I want to play computer games too!

This summer, I want to wash my mum's car and mop the floor too!

This summer, I want to do too many things.

This summer, I forgot to ask Jesus what he wants me to do.

This summer, I want to talk to people about Jesus.

This summer, I want to fall in love with Jesus all over again.

Trying Desperately to Focus on Work

2011-04-04T16:30:00.002+08:00

When I think about going home, I think about this song -

Have a good day people :) and I mean it. Have a GOOD day. Did something good today yet?

Difficult Times

2011-03-16T04:37:00.002+08:00

The AP Mobile alert keep going off in my phone, telling me about the 8.9 magnitude earthquakes and later after quakes, the waves of tsunami, and the multiple explosions happening in nuclear plants in Japan. At times like this, I don't know what to do. How is it that I can help besides giving money to whichever organizations I stumble upon that seem credible enough.

It is difficult to know the right thing to do; or the thing that God wants us to do. Does God really want us to bond together and petition to Him? Or just give $10 to the Red Cross and continue on with our lives. At times like these I am at a lost of God's purpose in midst of suffering.

The only answer that comes back is from Job chapter 38 and 39.
"Who is this that obscures my plans with words without knowledge?" Job 38:2

Surely I am merely human with cognitive abilities no where near the almighty. God's answer does sound a little like "I can do this because I am God". But I am sure (or hopeful) when we leave this world and see the bigger picture, we might start to understand His plans.

Maybe.
I'm human, doubt is inevitable.

So in finding solace, I go back to prayers.
Hoping that others who are in the midst of suffering will do the same.
Hoping that they will find comfort in knowing that a higher power is still in control of all things.

Post-Malaysian Night Sentiments

2011-03-09T01:09:00.004+08:00

Credits: Dan Holtmeyer

I thought to myself, "do I have anything to do tonight..." because for the past month I have been having Malaysian Night rehearsals every Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday night. It is difficult to snap back and focus solely on my homework again. Moh Yin is right; we are built as God's people to devote ourselves to a great mission - the Great Commission.

Honestly, I had too much fun putting Malaysian Night together with the team. Every rehearsal is so entertaining; I laughed so hard sometimes that my cheeks ache! It is so amazing to watch all our ideas and hard work come together in a perfect blend; producing something so.... (for the lack of a rich vocabulary) AMAZING! When everything ended, I was simply speechless. I don't understand how everything worked out so perfectly but I know for sure that it wasn't just me. I can only deduce that it was God's work.

Suzie asked me to do a post on Malaysian Night but I really don't know how to. In retrospect, everything seem so lovely and shiny; even for the times when people are muttering curses under their breath. I am not sure how outsiders see it; but for myself I can't see that it could've went any better. Things were perfect as far as I'm concern.

And I'm simply glad to have been part of it :)

The Dog Days Are Over - Florence and The Machine

2011-02-21T21:42:00.004+08:00

Happiness hit her,

like a train on the track.

Coming towards her,

struck still no turning back.

I always thought I was made for the "indie lifestyle" - indie music, indie movies, composting my food waste etc. This is my crude idea of being a "hippie" in the 21st century.

But after actually living in an apartment of a hippie-ish couple, I realized that I am too preppy for this. I can't walk around the apartment without shoes on, I cringe at the sight of dirt and I stare at the composting bucket and wonder what is it doing beside my dinner table.

I like my coffee with milk and sugar.

I don't like it black.

I don't like it too dark.

I like instant coffee.

*GASP!*

I once heard Malcolm Gladwell said, "If you ask people what sort of coffee they like, they will tell you, a hearty cup of dark roast. But the fact is, most of us don't like bitter coffee. We only like the idea of a dark brew. We cannot admit that we like a weak, wimpy cup of coffee."

I like the idea of taking a stroll outside in the spring breeze.

I like the idea of frolicking in the snow.

But I rather be inside with my favorite book and a cup of instant coffee.

Wait, that could just be a good idea too.

Maybe just a cup of instant coffee.

I believe when we first meet someone we like, we fall head over heels not only caused by the neuro-chemicals but also our imagination. Our imagination is allowed to roam free of that person. We can fit that person however we like into our imagination - intellectual, adventurous, funny. But as time goes by, and as we get to know the person better, our imagination receives a reality check.

Example A - Joanne Loke's scribbles.

joanneloke.blogspot.com

But if you can go past your reality check, you might discover something good that you could never have imagined. Like if you are able to get past the weirdness of the funky hair lady dancing with two avatar like figures, in the video posted above, you will kinda like the song.

I still like indie music.

And Jesus is still the truth, the way and the life.

=) A Song That Made My Day

2011-02-03T06:27:00.002+08:00

It is funny however crummy your day may be, small things can work their way through your psyche and still make you smile. They help you forget your troubles for a little while; and remind you that GOD is still in control. It is all in His plans. Give Him all your troubles.

"Pray as if everything depended upon God and work as if everything depended upon man"

Francis Cardinal Spellman

Might sound a little hypocritical as first, but you have to cross over that mental barrier if you want to understand what he really means.

Open My Eyes

2011-01-27T03:09:00.002+08:00

I guess I am coming into terms that I cannot know everything.
I can try, but still I will be far from having perfect knowledge.

I try and I try.
But without God, it is impossible.

I might not be trying hard enough,
but without God, what is the point of trying?

If I were to amass all these knowledge and just die one day,
what is the point to it?
I will only become bitter and prideful.

So, open my eyes, LORD.
Only you can give me the perfect peace in life.
Open my eyes to see the beauty of your love again.
I will follow your lead.

2011

2011-01-20T05:38:00.002+08:00

Isn't it strange to watch another year go by?

In Malaysia, I face more or less the same weather every day. It is always about 26 degree Celsius, some days hotter than the other. And it is always 99% humidity. Here in Lincoln, Nebraska, I am reminded that time is constantly moving because of the seasons change. I arrived in Lincoln January 6th, the place looked like Siberia. Then, the ice started to melt in March. Eventually, I can finally see the green space in front of Selleck. It got hotter and hotter, and soon I could wear my flip flops again. Then in September, the days got cooler. Now back in January, it looks like Siberia again.

As I was walking back from class, warm and protected from the falling snow, I was reminded that it has been a year since I got here. Well, I spent 3 months in Malaysia but still! It is my second year here now. It doesn't feel terribly long when I think of it now but the semesters feel REALLY long. I was walking back to my room yesterday and it felt like I was walking back home. It didn't feel like a room which I am keeping all my stuff for the moment but it felt like my home now.

I haven't been praying or reading the Bible much. I have just been studying it. To intellectually inspect what the writings really mean, so to speak. It is true that a different perspective helps to read things differently. I no longer understand the same words as I used to read it. It is funny how a change of mind can cause a change of heart. And vice versa. There must be somewhere both is connected. But where...

Life in Nebraska, More Than Words Can Say.

2010-12-07T16:16:00.005+08:00

Just an amazing sight.

Cowboy style.
With motorcycles. Not horses.

Thank you, God for the amazing South Dakota Trip.

Thank you for those beautiful clouds.

A package from Mummy!!!
Oldtown White Coffee and itik noodles!!!
Thank you, Mummy Loke.

A wonderful dinner with my favorite German.

Drink locally.
Think globally.

Crazy Brit hoarding all the shredded American dollars.

Someone once said, "Everything is big in America! Even the peas!" That person is right. hahahaha

A turkey burger and a cup of coffee. A delicious and fulfilling dinner.

Leaves in all shapes and colors. Beautiful little things we usually miss.

Sometimes tough love works better ;P

The wonderful trio - British accent, lame excuse and weird rock star wannabe.

Talking to Jo on msn in class :)

Don't the colors blend well together? I like fall.

There is no place like Nebraska!

My green nasi lemak. No pandan leaves here, so I used pandan essence.

Isn't fall just too pretty?

Wonderful people I met along the way :)

Big Boi. Big Red. Big Boi. Big Red.

2010-10-16T02:59:00.005+08:00

Fall is here.

As I was walking across the campus green yesterday, in an unusual carefree mood, planning out my fall break, I heard -

"Hey, want a free sunglass?"

(If you want free stuff, America is the place to be)

"Ya, sure. Thanks"

"Are you coming for the concert tonight?"

"Sorry, I can't. I have class tonight."

"Well, you can still come after class."

"Sure. Thanks."

People on campus have been talking about the concert for about 2 weeks now. I just nod along whenever someone talks to me about me. I couldn't spare time to state what the heck is a big boi concert nor be patient enough to listen about the cause the concert is supporting for (they usually have one nowadays eh?).

It wasn't until the day of the concert itself, as I was taking a detour across the campus green in front of Selleck (my home), I finally met Big Boi in the shape of a life size poster. Right! Big Boi is the guy from Outkast. I didn't pay much attention to it again until I heard they spend close to $40,000 on the concert. It didn't particularly had a cause besides trying to break the record of most people checking-in with "Foursquare" - some new social-networking app. They, as in, the students on campus, the residence house association which granted $5,000 to have the concert.

I understand that students should have fun and I shouldn't be a party pooper but isn't that a little too much money to spend on a night with Big Boi?

Credits: Lincoln Journal Star

You can see Selleck (my home) behind.

Yup, people were dancing in front of my home.

The problem with our world economy and finance is that a lot of money is not going to the right places. We are working hard for the wrong reasons. We are being busy with things we deem necessary but in fact they are really not.

In the Midwest, we have here the Malaysian Students Department that help keep track of Malaysian students in the Midwest. They provide us with funding and support if we are throwing a big campus event. We also have the Midwest games every summer which is funded by them. Should any of us choose to participate in the event, it is all expense paid to attend those events whether it is in Iowa or Minnesota. And guess where those funds come from? You are right, the Malaysian taxpayers.

We have another two of those Malaysian Students Department; one in California and another in the east side.

I'm not saying it is an absolute bad thing having them here; I understand that the welfare of students over 10,000 miles from home needs to be taken care of. But, I am stating the fact that we are given a lot of money and sometimes we misuse it without thinking where its from and why its given. We think we deserve it. Really?

Watching the game in the apartment of a real Husker fan

Yesterday we (the Huskers) lost our game against Texas. Everyone seem really upset because they were looking forward to revenge since last year but just lost so badly this time around. Additionally, this is the last year the Huskers are in the Big 12 conference; so, we are not going to match Texas for some time. I couldn't comfort people by saying, "It's okay. We can beat them next year!"

Last chance.

Orange represents Texas

Frustrated

2010-10-12T17:12:00.002+08:00

This semester, I decided to be more involved in campus organizations and decided to run for vice-president for both clubs. Well, actually only for one club; I ran for president and got the second job instead. I admit, I was incredibly ambitious. I already have a job plus 16 credit hours including PSYC 350 - made into a compulsory class for Psychology majors because if it ain't compulsory nobody would sign up for this class. It is the most hectic, assignment loaded class I've ever had since I started college in 2008. I'm doing my PSYC 350 lab homework now, at 4:20am, and I will be still doing them tomorrow, and day after tomorrow, and the following day, and so forth until finals come.

I took up the job because I want to make a change, and I want to learn. Strangely, I never have thoughts that I will deal with actual humans when I took up the job. I want to learn how to be attentive to details, how to be creative, how to efficient and effective....but instead, now I'm stuck at - how to deal with people who are incredibly different from you. People who have different cognitive processes, different working styles, different values hence different emphasis in their work. Lately, I have been incredibly uptight and frustrated when dealing with such people. I want to be humble and see things from a different perspective but I'm just too stubborn and self-righteous for now.

And I bring this frustration outside those meetings; my life has just been accumulating this sense of fatigue and frustration. I am late for my classes and I lost my motivation to learn, which was why I hunger to attend an American college in the first place. Sigh. I need a break. Winter break come quick.

It has only been 2 months since I got back to Lincoln, Nebraska. But it really does feel like 1 year has passed because so much has happened, yet so much is still waiting to be done.

At 4:33am now, it'll be back to PSYC 350 lab work.

I must be reminded that my frustrations are minor compared to anything else. There is so much that needs to be done in our world and back home in Malaysia. The world must be a much better place if each of us think less of ourselves. I'm not espousing the cheesy "think about others" and things like that, but I truly believe if we think less about ourselves and our self-importance (-a truly effective product marketing tool-) the world could be a MUCH better place.

Brand New Semester

2010-09-30T23:58:00.003+08:00

Hello people!

Ya, I know I've been missing quite a bit. My schedule got a little too tight from not listening to my advisor's advice of taking only 13 credit hours this semester with Research Methodology and Data Analysis class. I remember her saying, "Taking 13 with this class is like taking 16. So if you want to take 16 credits, it will be like taking 19 credit hours!" Of course, I decided to overestimate my abilities and take 16 anyways. Hence, I have barely time to breathe this semester.

Moral of the story: Advisors are called advisors for a reason. They give advice worth taking.

Anyways, notice I changed my blog banner? Those are two of my favorite pictures I took while I was in New York City. I am missing New York City. Missing the beautiful museums, architecture, bustling city smell and sight and those mesmerizing Times Squares lights. The picture on the left was taken in New York Public Library. The one on the right was taken during a slow walk alone through Central Park on New Year's Day 2010. It is strange to think how much memories and feelings are anchored there. I guess it is not so much the place I'm missing but the memories, feelings, company I had while I was there. I had just left Malaysia then - December 26th. It was the most surreal feeling being in New York City when I've dream of going to America since 6 years old.

Fast forward 8 months later, I'm in my second semester in UNL. Things have lost their sense of novelty but the challenges remain. I once heard this story - You know how during a marathon, we usually cheer for our participating friends at the beginning of the run and especially at the finishing line? But in fact, it is the middle when they need cheering the most because the middle have lost its sense of novelty and accumulated a sense of fatigue and tiredness of still being far away from the finishing line. Well, I'm not on a marathon right now but I can use some cheering up :)

Undeniably, God is still good and my head is above waters.

Thursday is my favorite day because class doesn't start until 2pm and there's always a House marathon on Thursdays on channel 27. Some coffee, some jazz music and some work while House is good.

Suggestions for interesting conversations anybody?

Growth. Stuck.

2010-06-07T01:56:00.003+08:00

Do I believe that You're my God?

That You are all I need,

that YOU are ALL I need.

Do I believe that You'll sit down,

and be crowned my King for eternity?

My Daddy,

My Abba,

My best friend.

Yahweh.

Back!

2010-05-30T01:08:00.004+08:00

Don't say a word, just come over and lie here with me

'Cause I'm just about to set fire, to everything I see

I want you so bad I'll go back on the things I believe

There I just said it, I'm afraid you'll forget about me.

Edge of desire by John Mayer

Being back feels different.

It felt as if I came back from another planet because things here are so different from how things are in Nebraska. The people are different, the attitude is different, the food is different; being in a city so different from small (but special) town Lincoln. Life runs on a different schedule.

But time with family and friends is amazing as always. With them is the only time I feel things haven't change, partially because I've only left for 4 months.

In Malaysia,

I can speak Malaysian again.

I'm reading The Star again.

And I'm driving Betty again.

And Alexis is right; back here in Malaysia, I'm more in touch with the American culture than I was when I was in America. Here, I hear about American Idol on the radio so often. There, I didn't even know American Idol started. I hear about the Hollywood celebrities on radio; there, I hear only the muffled sounds of the radio playing Lady Gaga (rarr rarr gaa gaa) from the bathroom across my dorm room.

I guess we are only getting the generalized American culture here. The one about the stars and celebrities and "liberal" ideas - drinking, partying, pre-marriage cohabitation. The other ideas are harder to catch on - courtesy, innovation, hard work.

While driving home the other day, I thought so much about the people here. And of GOD's presence here. No matter how much I love being in the United States, my heart is still here with my fellow Malaysians. Malaysians are also GOD's people and Malaysia is still GOD's nation. And I dream of our nation following Jesus.

Of course, it's only a dream.

Without prayers and actions in His power, dreams will remain what they are.

But this vision from GOD also told me to look beyond my petty problems.

I have been dwelling in my problems for far too long.

I have been thinking about me for far too long.

It is about others.

It is about GOD's people.

Finals! Finals! Finals!

2010-05-05T17:52:00.002+08:00

It is Finals week!

I've been spending at least 14hours a day in the basement computer lab studying since last Saturday.

It was a beautiful letdown

When I crashed and burned

When I found myself alone

Unknown and hurt

It was a beautiful letdown

The day I knew

All the riches in the world had to offer me

Would never do

In a world full of bitter pain

And bitter doubts

I was trying so hard to fit in

Fit in, until I found out

I don't belong here

I will carry a cross and a song

Where I don't belong

I don't belong

Beautiful Letdown by Switchfoot

It's a strange relief to know that I don't belong here;

that GOD has set apart a place for me in His new Kingdom.

But while I'm still here,

Lord, I pray to be doing Your will.

As the Semester is Ending...

2010-04-13T00:07:00.009+08:00

Can't believe it's three more weeks then finals then POOF! I've spent a semester here in the United States. I no longer freak out and study for hours at the mention of an exam or quiz; nor do I take hours to complete a 5 page paper anymore. Exams, quizzes, papers, and assignments happen way too often for me to keep up with the freaking out part.

The weather is getting lovely outside, and I smile to myself when I pass by a blooming plant. Often, I stop to smell the flowers (like the pretty girls on television). Why are flowers much more pretty and fragrant here? I see the beautiful green lawn covered with half naked people trying to get a tan, and I can't help but stop and soak up the sun.

GOD is good isn't He?

He could have us live in a monotonous black and white world but He made everything so beautiful and colorful for us.

Bri being queen.

Becky being cheeky.

Me being Malaysian :)

I am reminded to be mindful of things I asked from GOD.

I asked GOD for patience;

He gave me a roommate.

I have always thought that I'm the messiest girl in the whole wide world.

But I was mistaken...

But let's not grumble. *trying very hard*

(the ramblings above were typed few weeks apart from the ones below, I am now ONE WEEK AWAY from Summer!!!!)

The American system and American culture continues to fascinate me. I noticed that American students are actually incredibly hard workers. It might be okay for them getting a B or a C (a B is 80plus and C is 70plus) but outside school, on average based on the people I know, they work between 10-15hours.

Note: I am generalizing. There are a lot of straight As American students as well.

But my point is, they work really hard. On top of completing the quizzes, unending papers and preping for exams, they work outside school and they work in school - student ministries, student government, lab and research work, varsity sports, community work.....

In contrast, Malaysian students, we are mostly focused on getting As. To be honest, the toughest class I've had only had 3 papers, 4 quizzes and 3 exams. Living in the city back in Malaysia, I barely hear any students having to work outside home to subsidize their expenses. (Or maybe I just don't have that many friends) I am just thinking, is that why we, Malaysians, always complain that we are bored?

Note: I am still generalizing here. Not all of us are this lazy right?

Luke and Alex during our Rodeo Week!

Another thing I've noted is how much liberty we have as students here. For some classes, I can decide when I am ready to take the exam and go to the testing centers to take it. My professor will usually give a time period of 3 days to take it. For other classes, I can even take those quizzes or exams on my own laptop in my own room, with my books ready for reference. But there are also many classes that still do it the old fashion way.

One time when we were having a fire drill, everyone in the dorm had to leave and gather in the yard in front.

Random girl: I'm doing my laundry!

Me: Aiyoh. I'm studying for my exam lah (old habits die hard, the lah doesn't go away).

Bai Xue (Alexis' roommate): I am actually taking my exam online!!!!!

So, there are times when our liberty does us harm... Hmmm....

From a Cognitive Psychology point of view (I'm taking this class this semester), it's better to take the exams where you were first taught the material. This is because your environment provides you the cues to encode those information into your memory, and if you were in the same environment, the same cues are available to help you recall what was learn.

Ruth Angelina from Indonesia :)

We have this Malaysians against Indonesian thing here.

If halfway through the course I decide that I'm not doing good on the course, I can withdraw from it and drop the class. If I would have realized it earlier, I can change the class to pass/no pass. Meaning it'll only show on my transcript whether I passed the class or not, not my actual grades. Of course, we have limited chances to do so. It helps us learn to be strategic! Kinda like playing Monopoly.

Speaking of Monopoly, we played Monopoly again last Saturday; challenging the queen of Monopoly on our floor - Becky.

Becky calling for help. And not getting any.

And Yume bankrupt.

hahahahahahahaha

That shall be the anti-climax ending we shall be ending with!

Since I'm Kinda Occupied with 4 Papers, 1 Book Report, 2 Exams and Playing Outside in the Wonderful Weather!!!

2010-04-06T12:00:00.003+08:00

I decided to entertain you guys with another picture of Yume.

I laughed non-stop seeing this picture. Look at Yume's expression!!!

Yume is from Tokyo, Japan. Chelsey is from Hawaii. While Gabee is from Korea, wait no, I think Japan too. Wait no, Korea. I'm pretty sure.

The funny thing is though we are in America, we still tend to befriend more Asians as compared to Americans. Today at the dinner table, we have 2 Koreans, 2 Japanese, 2 Malaysians and 1 American. But that's Chelsey, she can be considered Asian too because she always bring us all kinds of Asian snacks that her mum mails to her from Hawaii (sweet mum right??).

Mummy Loke has been really sweet too; she mailed me Ipoh old town white coffee after I finished my supply in just two months in America. She even put in 2 fortune cookies she received during the Chinese New Year period. Thanks Mummy Loke :) I also have endless supplies of fortune cookies here in the dining hall when they serve Chinese food. I secretly take a few back to my room so when I get stressed out I'll take one out to eat and be entertain by its funny un-fortune-like messages.

Some says -

"You have a sensitive personality. You are aware of how people around you feel."

"You are the chosen one."

Others say -

"Help! I'm trapped in a Chinese fortune cookie factory!"

"You will live long enough to open many, many, many, many fortune cookies."

Then another day, Tutu told me her friend opened a cookie. And there is no fortune inside. Mind-blowing mystery..............hahahahaa

I had a great Good Friday and Easter Sunday weekend; it was well spent with GOD and His people. Ron and Judy had a few of us over for Easter dinner (though we ate at 1pm), and Judy roasted this HUGE 25 pounds turkey (a heavy newborn is about 9 pounds). It was so big that it gives out so much grease that the turkey caught fire in the oven. It was literally huo ji or fo kai! (For those that understand Mandarin and Cantonese) hehehe But thank GOD it wasn't burnt and we had an awesome Easter dinner (really awesome, our stomachs nearly exploded).

I'm so grateful for the people GOD placed in my life.

They are family :)

I've learn that GOD prepares us a family no matter where we'll be.

Where He is, that is where home will be.

Because no matter where we go, He will always be our Father, Abba, Daddy looking out for us from heaven.

I Had Fun Today!

2010-03-29T14:17:00.005+08:00

Best things in life are always free

GOD's salvation is one of them

I haven't had fun for such a long time that I didn't notice fun is SO FUN!

It was 15 degree celsius outside today! The sun was shining, so a few of us went out to play frisbee! I was suppose to be doing my paper and studying for a quiz tomorrow but I went out and play in the sun! And it was FUN! A couple of us ran barefoot on the big grassy space in front of Selleck Quad (our residence hall) and laugh ourselves silly. I was running in shorts! It was the first time since December 2009 that my legs see sunlight again! The light is just so beautiful; and this light is Jesus :)

And when I got back, I was still suppose to study but I played Monopoly with Alexis and Yume! Yume taught me how to trick other people into giving up large sums of money and eventually fail. She learns all strategies of how to play monopoly from her boyfriend who watches people play monopoly on youtube. And she fights with her boyfriend when they play monopoly together!

Me: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 - community chest! Tax refund, 50 dollars for you.

Yume: *sigh* I want REAL tax refund.

Here, everything is taxed. Food is taxed. Books are taxed. Clothes are taxed. International students who worked in the US will be taxed as well.

Anyways!

And I won at monopoly!

And because I had so much fun today I'm still up at 4am studying and typing my paper. But it doesn't matter, because I HAD FUN TODAY!!!

Thank You, Jesus :D

And the wonder of it all

is that I'm living just to fall

more in love with You

Perfect Peace

Missing People Back in Malaysia

2010-03-25T18:33:00.003+08:00

I'm in serious need of one of these!!!

(credits: toothpastefordinner)

For the first time in 10 years I have to share a room with someone. Mummy Loke used to say I'm the dirtiest girl in the whole wide world when she steps into my room. BUT NOW, I BEG TO DIFFER. I can see chunks of hair on the floor, trash full of garbage and a fridge filled with expired products. My room smells funny. All the time.

Yu came in to my room and gave me a pat on my shoulder and said, "Jessica, I'm so proud of you for being able to live in here." Couple of days later, Naeyoung said to me,"The last time when I went into your room I thought the smell came from you and I didn't dare to say anything because I didn't want to hurt your feelings. But now I know it's not you. Your room smells horrible!"

Oh Lord, please help me.

My Friends Say The Darnest Things

2010-03-23T20:44:00.003+08:00

Yume: What sports do you guys play back in high school?

Me: Hmmmm... I think I used to play a bit of basketball.

Yume: But.. You're short.

Me: Doesn't mean I can't play!!! So what sort of sports do you play back in school?

Yume: I used to play tennis.

Me: But... You're really short too.

Yume: Ya, but I play because I wanted to wear the short skirt.

Yume is one of the funniest girl I've met here in Lincoln. She's also my Residence Assistant, means she's kinda like a mum who takes care of the people living on her floor. She has been a good mum so far, feeding us Japanese rice cakes whenever we're hungry and providing us with cans of Mountain Dew when we're thirsty. And she has appeared on The Star before too! (because Alexis' article about life in UNL got published on The Star haha)

At the dining hall...

Yume: Oh... I feel tired... I think I should take a nap.

Me: Yume, do you want to pass your accounting test, graduate and work in New York?

Yume: Oh no! I need to study!

Yume will graduate this May; she's secured a job in New York. Unfortunately, it means she's going to leave this May. Alexis also got a Residence Assistant position in Cather hall. Unfortunately, it also means that she's going to live in Cather this fall. More unfortunately, it also means I gotta start doing my own laundry. (Or I'm also considering the prospects of carrying my laundry to Cather hall, it's about 1-2 blocks away, not too bad).

Everybody's leaving this May.

No time to feel sad now, 2 exams and 1 paper due!

Have a good week people!

Happiness Is Looking At The Weather Forecast :D

2010-03-23T03:39:00.003+08:00

Spring is here!

No more icy cold toilet seats in the morning.

No more big, fat, bulky winter coats.

No more dead trees, grass, everything....

SPRING SPRING SPRING!!!!!!!!!!!!

2010-03-10T01:04:00.001+08:00

Broken

2010-03-09T08:24:00.003+08:00

I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing
with a broken heart
that's still breathing

I have been wanting to post but kept putting it off because something else always comes up or that I'm too tired to. This is one thing I've noticed about American culture, or the typical life of an American student, the word busy is synonymous with it. You won't have time for anything unless you make time for it - you have to write it down in your schedule, set a mental reminder and make a commitment to fulfill it. I have been constantly busy with school and people - living in a dorm is like living with 30 siblings. It can be really fun but there will be times when you just want to avoid bumping into anyone.

It has only been barely 3 months since I left Malaysia, but my life back in Malaysia has already felt like a completely different life. So distant, almost as if it happened decades ago. Before coming here, I was afraid. But by the grace of God, I fitted in Nebraska perfectly. There was no trial and error, no feeling of loneliness, and no fear at all. And now that I am settled, I am afraid to go back. It might sound silly and I have the slightest clue why I feel this way.

Classes and papers have been some of the things I enjoyed most; workload is triple that of Inti's so I have been living from deadlines to deadlines. On average, I have at least one exam and two assignments due every week. I enjoyed all of them (with a slight exception for Statistics, but I'm learning to make peace with it). This few days the weather is finally in transition for Spring, the snow is melting, I can now see grass, shrubs and not feel like I'm living in a fridge!

Someone else is taking over
and I just wish to be completely broken for You

The people I've met so far are incredibly nice and helpful. I've had tons of free home-cooked dinner and lunches. I've met a guy who took of his (only) t-shirt to give it to me when I was shivering while walking outside; it was kinda scary because I have just met the guy, nonetheless, that is just so sweet of him because it was -5celsius outside! I've had the pleasure of talking to some of the most interesting people and meeting people from around the world who, like me, have came in search of a new self in the great United States of America.

I can't thank God more for what He has done for me; but I keep getting distracted. I feel completely alright but not at the same time. My heart feels completely fine yet broken at the same time; it is crying out for God but not at the same time.

In the pain
there is healing
In Your name
there is meaning

So I'm holding on
I'm holding on
I'm holding on
I'm barely holding on to You

Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts! And see if there be any grievous way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting!
Psalm 139: 23-24

Soon And Very Soon

2010-02-23T16:02:00.003+08:00

I gotta admit, sometimes, I am really tired.
Lord, I am tired; and these are the times I need You most.
Yet those are also the times I put so many other things before going to You.

You ask so many things of me,
it is only because You know I am able to complete them through You.
Yet, there are times when my foolish self thinks that I can very well do them without Your help.

But Lord I pray for a heart that wants more of You.
That yearns to serve You and Your people.
My soul is not satisfied.

I want to see You.
Soon and very soon.

Happy Birthday Mummy Loke!

2010-02-21T04:26:00.003+08:00

My mum sent me old town coffee from Malaysia!
She is the greatest mummy on earth!
I love you! :D

This short and meaningless post is just to let you know I've not forgotten about my blog and I'll update soon enough :D
In the mean time, PRAISE THE LORD people!
Life is good in Lincoln :)

Well, if life is not good for you now PRAISE THE LORD anyways and it'll become good.
FOR SURE ONE!
Money-back guaranteed.
But, since you don't have to pay to PRAISE THE LORD then you won't get money back.
hehe

I sure wear that dark blue shirt and black jeans a lot...

A Look Into The Daily Nebraskan

2010-02-02T05:46:00.002+08:00

"The anticipation of the iPad wasn't so much an anticipation of a great new product or service that would revolutionize our lives. It was an anticipation of something new that we could buy from Apple. When we as a people have sunk so low that the highlight of our culture is more to buy, we have lost all of our cultural autonomy.

Regardless of what you think about politics or policies, the State of the Union acts as a barometer gauging where the country could go in the future. Not that anyone would know. But hey, did you hear about the iPad?"

Daily Nebraskan Editorial Board

I Miss You Brothor Laedees....

2010-01-24T11:33:00.003+08:00

This is such an ugly picture of you both!

(because I picked the ugliest one from my album)

hehehe

January 2010

2010-01-24T01:25:00.003+08:00

The new semester has started.
I have a feeling that a new battle is starting.

I'm feeling the weight of my workload and constantly am questioning whether I'm able to handle it all.

What am I talking about?!

Of course I can't!

I hear the Savior say,
"Thy strength indeed is small.
Child of weakness, watch and pray,
Find in Me thine all in all."

I've been having the time of my life this past month. Although I was terrified about leaving Malaysia, I'm feeling right at home here in Lincoln, Nebraska. The first few weeks at a new place, meeting new people, there is always a 'break the ice' conversation. The one which you struggle to think of anything possible to ask the other party so we won't have to face the awkward silence and look everywhere but the person's face. The most common question people will ask you is -

So, why Lincoln? Why Nebraska? Why UNL?

Me: Lincoln picked me.

It reminds me of times people proclaim, "I have found GOD!" It gets me a little irritated when I hear people say that. I really want to know, what does it mean when people say, "I have found GOD!" What do you mean when you say you FOUND GOD? Was GOD buried underneath your pile of dirty laundry? Or was GOD hiding from you? Was GOD lost? NO!

HE has been here all along. HE has been searching for you. You were lost until HE FOUND YOU! He found you because HE love you so much that HE didn't give up on you, and HE STILL IS PURSUING YOU!

I am able to pray because GOD is helping me to pray.
I am able to sing His praises because He put songs in my heart.
I am able to do all things I'm doing because His hands are guiding me.

Jesus picked me.
He found me.

Frankly, I want to yell when people call me religious. I am not religious. None of this is my own work. NONE OF IT IS MY EFFORT. School work, participation in ministry, relationships with people, and my personal relationship with GOD; it is all His works evident in my life. When I worry, He comforts me. When I grow weary, He carried me. Fact is, I'm bankrupt, and He is all I have. All the glory and praise goes to He who lives in me.

Jesus, I my cross have taken,
All to leave and follow Thee.
Destitute, despised, forsaken,
Thou from hence my all shall be.
Perish every fond ambition,
All I've sought or hoped or known.
Yet how rich is my condition!
God and heaven are still my own.

Song lyrics -
Jesus paid it all
Jesus I my cross have taken

Oh! Sociology!

2010-01-21T13:36:00.004+08:00

This is one of the hardest class I'm tackling right now - Women in Contemporary Society.

I'm not complaining about the exciting loads of readings I have to do for the class; but I do find it difficult as many theories and explanations provided goes against my beliefs.

On top of that, I have not taken an Intro. to Sociology class to give me a good ground work for Sociological perspectives and terms. I'm building my house and laying its foundation at the same time, yay.

Ultimately, I can't stop laughing at some seriously idiotic statements made by some sociologists.

"Thompson (1992) argued that eating problems, rather than "disorders", is a more accurate term. It does not locate the source of the trouble in the individual, as disorder implies. Indeed, she argued that eating problems may stem from rational choices (such as the choice to become less attractive to lower the chances of being sexually victimized)."

Alexis: Is that what you're trying to do?

Me: For the gazilion time people, this is my winter storage! :D

Oh! GOD! Please................HELP!

I Got A Number!

2010-01-19T08:24:00.002+08:00

Me: Heys! I just got my phone number! And guess what, I have unlimited texting!

Tutu: I have LIMITED texting, so don't text me!

Week 2 (almost) in Lincoln, Nebraska, and I'm lovin' it :)

Like in Singapore how both parties (caller and receiver) get charged when a phone call is made, in America, both parties get charged when a text is sent. But with an unlimited texting plan, my texting is already paid for, so I'M GONNA TEXT ALL OF YOU GUYS! :D

I've Arrived.....in Siberia

2010-01-10T03:43:00.004+08:00

If you think -6 degrees Celsius is cold, imagine -6 degrees Fahrenheit.

Well, this is a picture of Siberia, but it looked like that when I looked out the airplane window on the way to Lincoln, Nebraska, but without the hills. It is mostly flat lands here, that's why the wind chills are SCARY!

It's pretty weird that nowadays, the first thing I do each morning is check the weather for the day and the temperature then. But honestly, once it hit -5 degrees Celsius, anything else below feels the same. It just feels like you're living in a fridge.

Snow, snow, snow! Everywhere!

I see snow pile up everywhere in Lincoln; Alexis is having all the fun in the world pushing me into the snow whenever there is a big pile close by. Those are piles as tall as one story buildings!

The people in the university said that this is the coldest winter in 20 years; it is not usually cold like that. Nevertheless, they gave us a 'warm' welcome, literally. Fill us up with (free) hot meals and drinks.

Leaving New York was like leaving Malaysia for the second time. I repacked all of my 'treasure' accumulated for 21 years into 2 suitcases of 46kg and lugged them down the streets of New York, through the subway. IT WASN'T EASY. I was going to call the cab, but Sophie wanted us to exercise (or maybe tear a muscle) and save $60. Man, if it wasn't for GOD's help I don't think we would have made it to the airport with 60 over kg of luggages.

My flight was a LONG and eventful one! I had to fly from JFK Airport in New York to St. Louis, Missouri then from there to Chicago O'Hare Airport, then fly to Lincoln, Nebraska. In between NY and St. Louis, I had a 7 hours transit. And since it was between 11pm to 6am, the city is close, I could only hang out at a bagel shop at the airport, the only shop opened 24hours there.

Thank GOD it was one of the few airports that had free wi-fi! But as I was going to facebook my time away, the bagel guy strike up conversations after conversations. Usually I would enjoy conversations with others, but it was 12am, I was tired and sleepy after being at JFK since 5pm, not to mention I was a small little Asian girl in the airport with few others.

But...we got to know each other anyways (more like I got to know his life story) then at 3am I thought I could finally be alone. Then! Came another Vietnamese dude who needs help with an officer because he couldn't speak English. He spoke limited Cantonese so I manage to understand him a little with my TVB Drama Cantonese training. Just when I thought I will be left alone again, the Vietnamese dude decided to be friendly and bought me a drink from the bagel shop and started talking to me. AHHHHHHH. So, I got to know his life story as well...

Time didn't fly by with 2 dudes telling me their life stories. It lasted the longest time possible until it was 6am to board my flight to Chicago.

One of the things I did most this past month is going through security checks! I went through those checks before boarding a plane, at the transit, going in Times Square on New Year's Eve, visiting Statue of Liberty and the list goes on. And it's not fun during winter because you have to peel of almost every layer on you - jacket, coat, scarf, belt, watches, shoes..

I miss the times in Malaysia when we can just say, let's go out, then grab our keys and wallet and go. Here, we have to make sure, MAKE SURE, we have everything before going out or we are gonna become blocks of ice. Every time I see a glove on the street somewhere, I label it as - TRAGEDY. Your fingers will seriously turn blue without a good pair of gloves. I experienced that, it scared me that I couldn't feel my fingers for quite a while. I think it's worst than sticking your hands in a bucket of ice, because the temperature is -25 degrees celsius. Alexis leaves our ice cream outside the window to keep it frozen.

Tragedy.

Anyways, so, I arrived in Lincoln Airport at 1030am, thinking where has the plane flew me to while looking out the window. I seriously thought it was a cloudy day while looking out of the window in the plane until I saw roads on those 'clouds'. I went to the baggage claim area and couldn't find my luggage because it appears that the lady back in JFK tagged my bags wrongly! Next, I waited and waited and waited and NO ONE CAME TO PICK ME UP!!! I remember clearly filling up a form for a university rep to get me, but nobody came for the poor little Chinese girl T.T The airport was tiny, with few people. It was cold, and the snow was pouring outside. Not having a phone, I attempted to use a pay phone with the nickels I have in my pocket. But, I COULDN'T OPERATE THE PHONE. Perhaps it's because it has been a gazillion years since any of us have to use something like that.

In the end, I resolved to borrowing a stranger's phone to dial the only number I know - Alexis' hahahaha thanks lah friend :) I may not fully comprehend why GOD placed us back together but I'm glad to have you to kick start this new chapter with.

Life has been good here; GOD has been awesome as always. I praise and give thanks to GOD for this safe and good journey. I have absolutely no worries; strangely, I am more at ease compared to the times back in Malaysia. I don't feel homesick. I miss you people, ya, I really do but I know all is good with you guys back in Malaysia and that is good with me. A friend I met from Indonesia said she is foodsick, not homesick! I miss bak kut teh!

Classes will start on Monday, I'm EXCITED! I'm wondering what GOD has in store for me this 2010. No matter what, by faith I shall pursue His will and His ways; walking by faith and not by sight!

Waiting in St. Louis Airport...

2010-01-06T17:38:00.004+08:00

Confused about job description - photographer or model???

hahahahahahahahahaha

Entering the New Year at Times Square

2010-01-01T15:57:00.004+08:00

So, I did it.

I stood in the freezing cold for 10 hours with various body parts of mine trapped between various people.

Come next year, let's go back to watching CNN with Anderson Cooper and Kathy Griffin lah...

I think I finally understand why the people on television look so happy after the countdown, because they have been waiting for 10 hours for that and they finally get to go home! In the freezing cold! In rain/snow! In need of the bathroom! After the party is over, there is not only all kind of garbage lying around but also many bottles of 'unidentified yellowish liquid' in them. Ew.

I entered 2010 with an incredibly heavy heart; I couldn't go crazy jumping around shouting happy new year to random people. Just so many things on my mind. The colder I feel, the more I think of the homeless people around New York City who are not only without homes but without coats. I can't imagine how they feel. I'm with 5 layers and it's TORTURE when the wind blows right through you.

They were playing 'I Gotta Feeling' by BEP. And as they play, these headlines on CNN just grips my heart.

We have all fallen short of the glory of GOD; the crown of His creations sinning against each other and being sinned against. People just thinking of living it up for the day - drink, get drunk, get laid, just satisfy and gratify whatever YOU want first. It's just horribly sad the way we live.

I let go for a moment, told myself to just let go and party for a while.

But, really?

Can you party with such lyrics and headlines flashing through?

Tonight's the night, let's live it up.

Two killed, four injured in Detroit fire.

I got my money, let's spend it up.

2 killed in Afghanistan.

Go out and smash it, like oh my god.

Americans less hopeful about future.

Jump off that sofa, let's get get up.

Deadliest's year in Mexico's war on drugs.

Lord Father, I'm not sure what I can do to help share your burden but Lord I'm willing to be use by you. I pray to do Your will only and Your good works where You've planted me in. Fill our streets, our cities, our nations Holy Spirit; we are in deep need of Your guidance and compassion. Do not let us pursue short-lived happiness, but grant us Your joy - a feeling that is beyond all circumstances.

Eric Lee Chan Yu once gave me an analogy of the difference between happiness and joy - happiness is like a puddle; once you step on it, it's gone. But joy is like a big lake, even if a big truck comes, the truck is just gonna sink into the depths of the lake.

I'm not saying that if only people received GOD all will be good with their lives. I'm not saying if a person suffering from poverty receives Jesus, he will turn into a millionaire the next day. GOD is not a fairy-godmother.

I'm saying that with Jesus comes hope, comes peace, comes love, comes joy - the big lake that will sink any gigantic lorry in your life.

Savior,

He can move the mountains,

My GOD is mighty to save, He is mighty to save.

31st Dec 2009

2009-12-31T22:59:00.003+08:00

Today morning, I woke up and looked out of the window -

Well okay, not true, Sophie woke me up, and the window is usually not the first thing people would look at when they wake up right? It's facebook. But isn't that how it is for all those Christmassy movies? People go like, ahhhhhhhh it's so beautiful. But the first words I utter this morning is - holy crap - as I look how heavily it's snowing outside.

Oh dear Lord I'm so sorry.

I've been going on and on about how we'll be counting down at Times Square this year after watching it every year on CNN since I was younger. But after experiencing -17 degree celsius with 35mph wind which blows right through your soul, I have doubts. And it's SNOWING today! Not regular snowing, heavy downpour SNOW! In order to get a good view, you have to stand there from 2pm onwards! It is 10 hours standing in the snow! With a gazillion more people crowded around you, filling up to 10 blocks. All for the 10, 9, 8, 7, 6............... Happy new year! Then, some random stranger hugs you.

I layered on 5 layers, as usual, then went out to play in the snow. And it was beautiful. So beautiful. It amazes me how GOD created something so beautiful like that, but of course, He is GOD! He who is wonderfully creative and ultimately different from all mankind. I laughed and frolic in the snow, becoming a kid again.

So 2009 is coming to an end.

Time for some reflection.

It has ended beautifully for me; all glory and praise goes to You and You only.

Gotta go out now for Dim Sum buffet! YAY! Who says got no Dim Sum here?!

A Brand New Chapter

2009-12-28T06:47:00.004+08:00

"There are better things ahead than any we leave behind." C.S. Lewis

It has been my childhood dreams to study in the states, I've longed and imagined myself buried under stacks of reference academic materials, writing papers and having intellectual exchange with professors. I've pictured myself in New York (Friends), Hollywood (SClub7), Seattle (Grey's).

But now that I'm really there, I'm still trying to picture myself there. I just can't believe I'm actually there already. (Maybe it's because I'm still traveling in New York with 5 other Malaysians) It just hadn't hit me that I'm already in this foreign land that me, a tiny, short Asian girl, who has gotta survive (and prayerfully thrive) in this land of giants.

I've been here for barely 24hours, yet enough adventures to last for a week. I thank GOD for awesome friends who picked me up from the airport to carry 40kg of my luggages, made sure I'm warm with sufficient winter wear, and cooked a typical Asian dinner with soup! And then also for getting ourselves lost on Harlem streets 3 in the morning, stranded in the rain at 1 degree Celsius lugging heavy luggages, walking approximately 30 blocks in total, setting off the fire alarm at 6am from baking and unclogging the toilet at 10am using instructions from google.

It was pretty eventful for a first day!

Not exactly suffering from jet lag but I fell asleep today in the subway and ter-hantuk my head on some stranger's shoulder. He was sitting next to me listening to some really loud spanish tunes. He turned, looked at me and smiled. For one thing, I think I look really young because at the immigration checkpoint the officer looked at me and asked, "You traveling alone? Where are your parents?"

By the way, thanks so much guys for sending me off. Thanks for all the gifts, cards, pictures, calls, hugs, wishes and prayers. Seriously, thanks so much. Each and everyone of you have a special place in my heart and mean so very much to me. You guys filled the pages of my life with so many colors. I didn't cry at the airport but I did tear up in the plane especially after few of you guys called me. I'll definitely miss you people but I understand how we each have to move on with our own lives. You people have my bestest wishes in your own pursuits and if you are in need of some love, I'm always available. With the beautiful memories you guys gifted to me, I'll start this brand new chapter of my life.

GOD grace is always sufficient. I didn't worry a single bit during my 26 hours flight alone, or freaked out when my flight was delayed for hours. I know, and I know, and I know that I'm safe with Him; that Jesus is taking care of me all the way. Father, I give thanks to the uplifting strangers you sent to help me, for a really comfortable flight, for really awesome friends and for my parents who paid for all my expenses. I surrender everything into your hands - my plans, hopes, and dreams. They are yours and I shall always follow you.

My last look of Malaysia was the MAS hanger at KLIA. hahahaha

Oh Man... Thanks Nad...

2009-12-22T01:28:00.004+08:00

Hooked on you..........hooked on you.............

I cried after reading your card.

Yalah, it doesn't seem like a birthday card!

Thanks so much for the photo and the book, both which I wanted to get for myself!

Thanks so much for being a true friend; one of the few friends I keep in Inti (I notice how often I use this line).

Thanks for layan-ing all my antics in class - my (awesome) singing, babbling, lame jokes and sudden dance moves. No thanks for licking my face! hahahaha

Thanks for listening when I talk about Jesus; for coming to my church conference! *gasp!* It's absolutely a pleasure to be able to share GOD with you.

Thanks for keeping me company through Philosophy class; your smile and greeting early in the morning always cheered up my day :D Your presence and random hilarious comments in class kept me from feeling alone and excited about Philosophy! hehe

Thanks for all the snacks in class; for letting me help peel your hard-boiled eggs for breakfast (how come this doesn't sound right). Gosh, I'll never forget how you always bring a loaf of bread, a jar of peanut butter and a knife to class.

Thanks for all the cendol trips that helped cast away the stress given by John Locke and David Hume's philosophy.

Thanks for always making the first move to call me up or to invite me out =) I really appreciate the amusing memories we share. If it wasn't for you, I guess we might not have been friends at all.

Your card speak such nice things of me, and gosh, I really don't feel that I deserve it. GOD deserves all the glory and praise for He is the one who wills and acts His goodness through me. I'm simply living for Him and keeping His will; though falling short at times but constantly striving. In the process, I have awesome friends like you whom He placed in my life to help me out. Believe it or not Nad, you have helped me out so much through the last couple of months.

I don't know why but I can't imagine a day when I go to college and don't get to be greeted by your smiling face anymore. I'll think of you when someone keeps me waiting at the toilet or when I see shoe prints on the toilet seat. hahahaha Your expressions are always so amusing; and your company has always been enjoyable, so much fun, really. Can't stop laughing especially with the addition of Hafizah and Farina.

Maybe I'll welcome you to UNL in August, maybe not, but wherever you choose to be, note that I'll always send my bestest wishes for you. And ya, I love you too dearest Naddy =)

I'm Gonna Miss The Good Times We Shared =C

2009-12-17T17:46:00.006+08:00

In Art class, when you did my color exercise while talking about 'the world'.

In Public Speaking class, when we teamed up and conquered 'the world' (and also Ms. Kalai).

In History class, when we share the same answers for the reading assignment,

yet I still got higher marks hehehe also when 'she' ignored the times you raise your hands.

In Macroecons class, when we baked carrot cakes instead of completing our assignments.

In Microecons class, when I didn't have any friends, you came to all of my classes until I found someone I could talk to.

HONG KENG CHIEN!

Gosh. I can't believe this morning is gonna be the last time we talk and do dumb stuff for a long, long, long time. WHY ARE YOU GOING TO SWITZERLAND??? I'm gonna emo you for not sending me off when you told me you were gonna since August when Alexis left. I demand that you fly to Nebraska first before going to your college next August!!!

You have been a great friend to me; I really mean that. I do appreciate and note all those times you did things for me even without me asking. You are one of those awesome friends that took in others' interests no matter what you do. Looking back at how much you helped me in those classes we shared, I don't think I could have gotten into the President's or Dean's list without your help.

Hafizah once whispered to me, "Jessica, you know what is the secret to succeeding in school? It's having friends." Immediately, it's you who came to mind. I didn't get to tell you because Hafizah told me that while I was frantically coloring my artwork minutes before its due with Mr. Bad breathing down my neck!

Eric Lee Chan Yu was pretty right when he noted how different we are. You're an action-packed, always on the go Advertising major while I'm a contemplative, philosophical Psychology major. Perhaps its the complementary nature of our friendship that makes things comfortable and easy.

And your freaknomics is still in my car! I meant to pass it to you but forgot. You see, it's like that with us. Times with you are too comfortable; even this morning seemed casual. We had breakfast, played stack em' and talked like we're gonna have another semester in Inti. The feeling only sunk in when you hugged me before you left in a hurry =C I nearly cried but the waiter was staring.

My dearest KC Hong, I'm gonna miss you. You are one of the first few friends I have in Inti. The new semester is going to be different without you around asking me whether I paid my parking; I'm gonna be using a bicycle in UNL. Nobody is going nag me about not eating anymore (maybe Alexis lah). Enjoy your Europe tour and all the best in everything you choose to do. It remains my daily prayer that you will be still enough to feel GOD's presence; He loves you and has always been looking out for you like you have been for everybody else.

Alright I guess that's it for now (before I start crying), remember to take tons of pictures and post them up facebook! Emmanuel :)

Thank you, Amos :D

2009-12-17T16:10:00.001+08:00

This is for yourself too! hehe

Shiny, Shiny, Shiny

2009-12-15T01:46:00.003+08:00

Shiny just realized that I am leaving next week.

Like NEXT WEEK.

She is crying now as we speak on MSN.

I'M STILL IN MALAYSIA LOH!

Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle All the Wa-

2009-12-12T15:15:00.006+08:00

ayyyyyyyyyyy to New York City.

I'm gonna spend half of Christmas night in KLIA.

Perhaps I'll catch a glimpse of Santa while looking out the window.

It frightens me to be able to say, "I'm leaving next week."

It frightens me to hear people say, "Oh no, I won't be able to do this and that with you already."

It frightens me to think how many more times will I be cooking maggie mee for my brother when he comes to bug me in my room at 1am.

Well of course I know there is Skype, MSN, Facebook, but I also know fairly well things will never be the same.

I won't have to wake up 6am to drive Betty to school anymore.

I won't be alerted by Mr. Eric's loud knock on Betty's window at 730am.

I wont' be able to sit in the CAE and hear Auntie Dino's loud guffaw.

I won't be watching Nad peel her hard-boiled eggs for breakfast in class or prepare her peanut butter sandwich while listening to the lecture.

I won't be able to go for yamchar sessions with my form 6 kakis.

I won't be able to spontaneously call dummy Amy out for breakfast.

I won't be having white coffee at Kheng's on Saturday mornings with Mummy Loke and Jo.

I won't be able to get nescafe tarik for RM1.60

The list is endless!

I'm terrified of leaving yet GOD never fails to reassure me everything is going to be alright,

when I get homesick late at night

when I miss having bak kut teh

when I'm awoken by a nightmare of feeling alone

I know that I'm still physically here but one part of me is already leaving; it is trying to save me from the pain of leaving in KLIA. But the other part of me is trying to stay, no matter how painful it may be, because though it is more difficult, it is the right thing to do.

Father Lord, enable me to still be a blessing to the people around me while I'm still around. Help me let Your unfailing love and grace flow through me and reach out to them. Help me talk, laugh and fellowship by Your spirit. Do not let me get too tied up being anxious or busy with preparations for this transition. Help me serve Your people here in Malaysia. Let me draw strength from You for You are ever faithful. Reassure me that I'm not alone because I'm taking this journey with You.

And help me let go when it is time for me to leave.

Convert 21 years of my life into 46kilograms?

I Need Thee Every Hour

2009-12-06T23:44:00.003+08:00

I believe there is indeed something amazing above us :)

Happy Birthday MojoJojo!

You're 19! How come after so many years you're still only 19??

Although I haven't got you anything in the past few years, you know I love you can already right? hehehe The gift shall come when I come back from the States in 2011. teeheehee

Have fun and keep growing, I hope your POW plan is working. Let's make supper later (:

I think your POW plan is working on me instead. But its okay, obese is the normal weight in America. hehehehe I hope you fai kou jiong tai and xue ye jing bu (canto + mandarin; the canggih Cina). Get better grades maybe can escape working for Telekom for 8 years. Be good, email me always and remember to read your bible everyday. May the Lord smile upon you everyday of your life and may His joy finds a place in your heart (:

A Thank You Note

2009-12-03T23:06:00.004+08:00

To express how much you're appreciated and loved (:

Amelia Chan Jiat Hee.Hee.Hee.

Thank you for waking up at 6am today morning.

Just to accompany me for my visa interview.

Thank you for not panicking (unlike me) upon founding out that SMART tunnel is closed due to the heavy rain when it's the only way I know how to use to get to the American Embassy.

Thank you for diligently looking out for road signs and landmarks while we were stuck in a jam on some 'we don't know what highway' when I was panicking from running late.

Thank you for being so random to admire Diplomats' residence while we were lost hunting for parking lots when I was PANICKING from being 20minutes late for the interview; the fact that you were so RELAXED helped.

Thank you for running with me all the way to the embassy; in those shoes, through mud and rain.

Then, thank you for waiting outside the embassy for more than an hour with no reading materials (you dumb dumb didn't wanna take the book I offer you) and no handphone (you dumbdumbdumb left it in my car). On top of that, having to stand with an umbrella because the benches outside are dripping with rain water. Omigosh, THANK YOU.

Thank you for sitting in the car patiently while I enjoy my adventures of driving around KL city center with no idea where I'm heading to whatsoever. Just love watching the people, the buildings and the wonderful little things that make us so Malaysian - little stalls by the road, old worn out buildings next to modern skyscrapers.

Thank you for being awesome company when I was adamant of exploring all four corners of Petaling Street, on foot, under the awesome Malaysian sun! I'm so gonna miss this heat! Gonna miss that old machi lady, the soya bean, the place we run pass every single week rushing for tuition. Not gonna miss the KTM though!

Thank you for forcing me to drive to the clinic, no matter how reluctant I was, to get my jab. Then, thank you for sitting beside in the clinic attempting to make me feel less nervous. And thank you for NOT videoing it!

Thank you for carrying everything and also pushing the trolley - when I proclaim that I shall not use my left arm for the rest of the day due to the jab - while stationary shopping in Mydin.

Thank you for directions from 20,000 over kilometers away.

Thank you for all the shopping for my stuff and helping me so much with this transition to my new school.

Thank you for being the awesome person you are as usual (:

Thank You for leading the way when I'm absolutely clueless where to go.

Thank You for easing my anxiety and assuring me it's going to be okay.

Thank You for people like Chan Jiat Hee and See Tho Wai Kuan; their friendship testifies Your love in my life.

I'm undeserving yet You poured such Grace upon my life.

Life is awesome in You (: for You are the giver of truth, eternal life.

Well The Funny Thing Is...

2009-12-02T00:16:00.004+08:00

I was standing on lower ground! Really!

Both letters from Binghamton and Cornell came on the following two days after I made my decision to go to UNL.

Binghamton acceptance package is the weirdest thing I've ever received.

And I stopped reading Cornell's letter after the words "I regret..."

It was signed personally by the director of undergraduate admission - Jason and well...well....guess what's his last name - LOCKE!

I bet my Father is still laughing now looking at my -.- expression =D

And, oh well, I might as well laugh along (:

Look like heart-shape kah?

What is addiction?

You know you're addicted when you're staying up to 4.30am for IT.

You know you're addicted when although you had only 5hours of sleep since 4.30am, your first thought upon being abruptly awoken is about IT.

You know you're addicted when you're leaving messages about IT in people's blog's chatbox (please refer to specimen A on the sidebar - Jo)

Hehe. Brother ladies.........

I spent the last weekend with my siblings. We hardly got together since Ben left for Singapore in 2007 and Jo for Malacca in the same year. We were stuck to spend quality time with each other when on holiday in Perak with no internet access; but lucky us, our wonderful parents blessed us each with a laptop, so we play Warcraft Tower Defense for 2 days straight - in the hotel room, while traveling home on the highway, then back in my bedroom until 4am.

We are fighting monsters!

Of course, we occasionally (once a day - requirement by Mummy Loke) stopped for a breather and stepped out of the hotel room to walk around at the beach. We built sandcastles/pyramid/round lumps of sand, pushed each other on the swing til the person falls off, had running competitions (which all of us fail to complete) and went jelly fish hunting.

I are caveman.

But during the last day on the beach, while enjoying the sea breeze sitting on some big rocks, Jo dropped our hotel card key. And we proceed to scream and stare as the card slides down between those big rocks into the sea. Next, we only had one thought in mind - "Who's gonna tell Mummy Loke???"

A scene I won't see for some time.

Fortunately, Mummy Loke was in a good mood from observing the Loke kids frolicking on the beach. hehehehe Or else, Jo would now be suffering from beach-rocks-hotel-cardkey-phobia.

I watched Mulan today with my other half of 15 years - Shiny girl! Choice was between Mulan or Phobia 2. Observing the fact that Shiny was grabbing onto my hand (and me grabbing the stranger beside me) when Mulan's friend got murdered brutally, I'm pretty glad we didn't choose to do something 'special' by watching Phobia. hehehe

Mulan was funny! It's not a comedy, but it's so funny! I don't mean it in a bad way, the movie is not bad, really. Although I complained about falling asleep when the actors start speaking too fast in Mandarin (having to read the subtitles fast is not fun), I laughed, laughed, laughed through so many scenes! Perhaps it's because of Shiny lah, we always share the random-est comments. Remember Vantage Point and Hairspray?

*Mulan's dad talking to her while preparing to enlist in the army*

Mulan's dad:

If one day you observed that there is one extra star in the sky, then you'll know that I've gone to meet your deceased mother.

Shiny:

If there is one star less leh, means what?

hahahahaha

I think we were the only sakais laughing in the cinema lah...

Sometimes the lines can be predictable but the storyline is really interesting and there are somethings that they said that pressed on my heart. I don't remember the exact lines but it's something like that -

General:

Once we put on the battle suit, we don't belong to ourselves anymore but the will of the nation, to fight and persevere regardless of our own opinions or desires.

Instantly, my mind went to GOD; that once we clothe ourselves with Jesus Christ, we don't belong to ourselves anymore but the will of our GOD. Day after day, I constantly remind myself that it is not about me, it is about Him and His great plan of salvation. We are the soldiers of Christ and the fact is - It is all about others. We are servants of His Kingdom; and a servant is without a personal agenda. On this worldly battleground, we need to pray to do the will of our Father every single day; to be sensitive to His whispers and gentle nudges.

I've finally bought my flight tickets; I'll be leaving on the 26th of December 1230am. It's basically like Cinderella, attending some Christmas ball then when the clock strikes 12 gotta run to the airport dropping her contacts while running (because we don't use glass slippers). If you ask if I'm excited or afraid to leave, I'll tell you I'm afraid of clicking the 'confirm booking' button itself. I get really emo sometimes late at night but talking to Him helps a great deal. I've come to truly believe that with GOD inside of me, I'm gonna be alright.

So every night before going to sleep I empty myself before Christ of my thoughts, desires, convictions and thanksgiving for the day. And every morning I wake up rebuking all worldly worries and nagging burdens, and take on Christ - His Will, His Love, His Grace. He's on my mind constantly as I go through my day.

Is this addiction?

Ask me personally and I'll tell you (:

Precious Moments

2009-11-27T05:20:00.002+08:00

I came home close to 1am.

I didn't get to check the mail today.

But there is a letter for me on the study table.

It's a tiny envelope.

With Cornell's logo on it.

It's a rejection letter.

But it's okay because I have a God who's bigger than Cornell :)

I found one of my favorite children books. On the first page, I wrote with my very best handwriting - To: Jessica From: Fat Chet Date: May 1, 1997 :)

Ya, I like using smiley faces since I was 9 :)

And referred to Papa Loke as Fat Chet because he bought me a book during Labor Day 1997.

Reading it now, I realize there is so many lessons I missed as a kid. It's a simple book with size 16 font but it still teaches me new things now as I go through it. Just like how everyday God reveals new ideas and thoughts to His people through the Bible.

One of my favorite poems in the book -

A Shepherd Song

What does a shepherd feed his lamb?

Good green grass or gooseberry jam?

What does a shepherd tell his sheep?

"Stay up all night" or"Go to sleep"?

What does a shepherd like to say?

"Find it yourself," or "I'll show you the way"?

What does a shepherd like to do?

He likes to whisper, "I love you."

Decision, Decision, Decision

2009-11-25T21:03:00.007+08:00

I've finally decided.

The past few days have been very physically and emotionally taxing. I guess it felt like I was back in college with a fixed (tight) schedule because I was running back and forth between attending church and attending to my family. I was so tired I overslept for two mornings and missed the service I was suppose to serve in. Gosh. I felt SO guilty. On top of that, I didn't know that my dad is coming back for the weekend and I forgotten about my dad's birthday. I would think that his birthday is on the 23rd of November but my mum would tell me its on the 22nd; it happens every year. So to make things worse, that night I was suppose to be attending the final service with friends I invited earlier. So.very.guilty.

Sometimes when we say "Father, I'm going to give my life to you, I'm going to surrender everything into your hands", we tend to forget sometimes that everything includes our worries, fears, sins, and guilt. We get overly righteous that we start thinking we can handle those by ourselves and God just needs to sit there receiving all the glory and praise for the good works done through us. Well, it's not like that. He loves us like a Father does His children and He wants to take away our shame, worries, fears, sins and everything else unpleasing to Him. And we need to learn to give it up; including the pride of thinking we can master everything in our lives without His help.

I had long, long, longggggggg chats with my dad about religions, my major, careers, universities plans and departure plans to the states and even longerrrrrrrrrr ones with my Dad. I never had so many questions in my life I couldn't answer tugging at my heart; and they were demanding answers urgently because time is running out.

The only reason I haven't broke down is because of Him.

His faithfulness and unfailing love.

Like Siew Ling said, "if not for clinging on Him, I've fallen FLAT on my face."

Last night while praying on this again, I was reminded of Pastor Victor's prophecy during the 'Why Love' camp back in August - ".....you'll have lots of questions about your universities, your finances, so many questions. But God wants you to know, He has prepared everything for you. It has all been planned out for you. All you need to do, is just walk into His plans. He's asking you to TRUST in Him. Trust."

So last night, I told God, "I'm walking into Your plans right now."

So people, you may stop asking me where am I going to. I've decided, I'm going to University of Nebraska-Lincoln. Nope, my other letters have yet to arrive (State University New York Binghamton emailed that I'm accepted but no offer letter yet), but when they do (FINALLY) arrive in my mailbox later, I will not change my mind. I've set my heart on going to UNL and I won't change my mind! (Yes, I'm gonna keep telling myself this)

Sigh.

GOD please help.

Grant me willingness and obedience to follow Your will.

Help me face things I'm not ready to.

Help me draw strength and courage from You.

Help me discern what is right and true.

~~I need Your grace.~~

I desperately need Your grace.

Today, I finally had some free time after settling my visa application materials. I played with an 8-year-old for hours and wondered how come children never do get tired. They are not stronger compared to grown-ups biological speaking but have all the will-power in the world. They know less than us adults yet their faith is stronger than any knowledgeable smarty pants. Is that why Jesus said the Kingdom of God belongs to children?

I've always felt that children are such fragile beings. One small move could break them. Once broken, things wouldn't be the same again. Hence, I see that every thing done to a child carries great significance whether we know it or not. As children grow old, they learn more; they become broken repeatedly, they become jaded - they become adults. I think that is why we are called by Jesus to be born again in Spirit. We need to unlearn everything taught to us by the world while we were in flesh; we need to be reborn in order to see the world with fresh eyes.

I felt lighter after playing with the kid; I felt like walking to my favorite coffeehouse enjoying my own company. The kid told me I've been magnifying the wrong things; need to be born again, Jessica. Need to magnify the LORD.

Yup, I'm going to UNL.

God is always having the last laugh.

I bet He's laughing right now! :D

And I hope to be laughing along with Him if I receive my letters the day after my visa is done!

My God is so humorous.

Oh how awesome is my God :P

Rejoice!

2009-11-19T12:57:00.003+08:00

For our God died for us on the cross,

obtained victory over sins and was resurrected!

For our sins have been atoned for!

For we pray to an amazing God.

Worship!

Sing His praises and bring Him glory.

Not only in times of happiness, but

In times of uncertainty, SING!

In times of discouragement, SING!

In times of sorrows, SING!

Unspeakable joy!

Help me Bless Your Heart

2009-11-17T21:12:00.009+08:00

As You have blessed mine.

Whenever I start to complain,

this picture never fail to bring me back into focus.

People:

Hey Jess! When are you leaving?

Me:

Next month I guess.

People:

Oh. Which university are you leaving to?

Me:

Err...... Don't know.

People:

And.........you're leaving next month?

Me:

Errr..... I guess.......

Waiting...

I get these questions on the average about two times daily. The thing about trusting God is, you really, really, REALLY gotta put your whole trust in Him. You have to face that uncertainty -not only questions from yourself but crazy load of questions from others; you have to face certain discouragements - "Wah! Until now also haven't apply visa, want die ah?!?!" And most definitely, after a period of waiting, when the right time comes, you have to make that first move in times of uncertainty, the first move that will be the deciding factor. It has to be a leap of faith, because there is no land before you.

Jesus: *walking on water*

Come, walk towards me.

Could be me:

Errr Jesus, this is water You know. H20. The daya apungan (I studied Physics SPM in Malay) is not strong enough to lift a human body one You know. Some more I've put on some weight lately, will jatuh inside one!

Of course, this is not how it goes in the Bible and you might even laugh because of how absurd it sounds. But that is how many of us are today - we think we know better than God. Ridiculous eh?

After praying and waiting for months now, I had an epiphany today. It said something like, "Hey gurrrrrrrrrrrl, you have already received 54783 signs, how many more do you want? Make your move already!"

What is this?! #12345

What is this?! #54321

So...

Jessica,

what is it gonna be?

In the year that King Uzziah died, I saw the Lord seated on a throne, high and exalted, and the train of his robe filled the temple. Above him were seraphs, each with six wings: With two wings they covered their faces, with two they covered their feet, and with two they were flying. And they were calling out to one another:

Holy, holy, holy is the Lord Almighty;

the whole earth is full of his glory.

At the sound of their voices the doorposts and thresholds shook and the temple was filled with smoke.

"Woe to me!" I cried. "I am ruined! For I am a man of unclean lips, and I live among a people of unclean lips, and my eyes have seen the King, the Lord Almighty."

Then one of the seraphs flew to me with a live coal on his hand, which he had taken with tongs from the altar. With it he touched my mouth and said, "See, this has touched your lips; your guilt is taken away and your sin atoned for.

Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, "Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?"

And I said, "Here am I. Send me!"

Isaiah 6: 1-8

I cried when I first heard this few months ago.

It still grips my heart every time I hear it now.

Will I go for Jesus Christ, the one who died for me on the cross?

I'm Gonna Be F.U.N.

2009-11-14T20:15:00.005+08:00

credits: nataliedee

*happy voice*

F is for friends who do stuff together.

U is for You and me.

N is for anywhere and anytime at all! Down here in the big blue sea!

*angry voice*

F is for the fire which burns down the whole town!

U is for uranium! Bomb!

N is for no survivors!

*goofy? voice*

F is for frolic through all the flowers

U is for ukulele

N is for nose picking, chewing gum, and sand licking. Here with my best buddy!

I kinda feel like I haven't been having fun for a long time.

Like fun, like laughing, like nose picking silly fun.

Instead, I've been burying myself under loads of work.

Last semester, I only have time to think when being stuck in jams or bathing (yes, I do bath!) But now, I have all the time in the world to think. And.....I'm not feeling too good. Free association is happening way too often; I might even be turning schizophrenic. Many thoughts which I've tried to suppress (or repress, Freud help me out here) are beating crazily at the door. And I just wanna retreat under my bed like a scared little girl; I wanna regress, go back being the goofy me before all this drama (yes, Freud, you win with your defense mechanism).

Me:

I must have faith. I must have faith. I must trust You, Father. I'm going to walk on water towards Jesus like Peter. I won't be like Peter, when the wind blows and waves come in thick folds, I won't be scared! I will have faith Lord! I will certainly reach You!

God:

Jessica?

Me:

Yeah?

God:

Have you even stepped out of the boat yet?

All I really need to know

Is if You who live in eternity

Hear the prayers of those of us who live in time

We can't see what's ahead

And we can not get free of what we've left behind

I'm reeling from these voices that keep screaming in my ears

All the words of shame and doubt, blame and regret

I can't see how You're leading me unless You've lead me here

Where I'm lost enough to let myself be led

And so You've been here all along I guess

It's just Your ways and You are just plain hard to get

Hard to Get by Rich Mullins

"I am Your maidservant, may it be done as You have said."

I Asked For Wonder

2009-11-10T18:10:00.009+08:00

"It is not said: Ye shall be full of awe for I am holy, but: "Ye shall be holy, for I the Lord your God am holy" (Leviticus 19:2)."

Wow. Do you see it?

How great, how great is our God.

"We live by the conviction that acts of goodness reflect the hidden light of His holiness. His light is above our minds but not beyond our will. It is within our power to mirror His unending love in deeds of kindness, like brooks that hold the sky."

Spiritual Anthology of Abraham Joshua Heschel

To know that a sinner and commoner like me can be as Holy, Holy, Holy as He is, is beyond my comprehension definitely. But, it is not beyond my will. And I shall will for it with all my heart, mind and soul until the day I finally get to meet my Creator.

Pieces falling from me

You can have them for free

Never felt so complete

Pieces falling from me

I asked God for His wonder.

He answered.

We stayed in the Palm Garden Lodge which has, in my opinion, one of the friendliest people in Cambodia! It's a guesthouse so it doesn't have the formality and hostility of a big hotel, you get to meet travelers from all over the world who you can easily talk to. The people of the guesthouse are bunch of good people who will always greet, talk and listen to you even with their limited English vocabulary. Plus, it's cheap! - rooms for $7usd onwards. The place is small, quiet and clean; provides free flow of coffee and tea all day long plus free breakfast daily. I felt as if I died and went to heaven!

The small cafe I spent my mornings reading with coffee. Mornings start early because the sun is up pretty early compared to Malaysian time. By 6am, the whole place is bright. In Malaysia we gotta wait til' 7 because according to Ben we follow West Malaysia's time zone.

The place is surrounded with so much green. I'm missing my mornings there already.

Er. Yeah. I took these pictures off some traveling site. Heee.....

We visited many places in Cambodia; but the best, the best has to be the Angkor Archaeological Park. The place is just so incredibly surreal, totally unbelievable. Didn't have my own camera because the brother dropped it into the South China Sea, but hope you enjoy these pictures taken from the internet! You have to see these places yourself, the pictures aren't doing them justice. (AirAsia giving away free tickets 11th Nov! Go check it out!)

This is Bayon. One of the (many) temples in the park, also one of my favorites. Every prasat (tower) has four faces, each carved on four sides of the tower. There are 54 prasat in the temple which totals to 216 faces.

A closer look. It's quite difficult to imagine these are all carved out of stones by hands at a time of incredibly limited technology. Standing in the midst of these 216 faces, I felt consumed by the place.

This is one of the 12 steps up to the 3rd level in the Angkor Wat temple. Back in time, the 3rd level is only accessible by Kings and High Priests. These stairs are STEEP, seriously. The steps are high and really tiny! One slip and its 65metres down. I really wonder how the King climb up these things.

This is one of the gates (south) entering into Angkor Thom which was the capital city to the Khmer empire.

Now, this is really weird! This temple is called Ta Prohm. It had it glory days where it was the treasuries to store treasures given to temples in the surrounding villages. Now the whole temple is slowly being consumed by trees with its structure being held together by the tree roots.

Weird eh? There is not only two of these but MANY.

It is as if the whole temple is being eaten up by the tree roots.

Angkor Wat is the biggest religious monument in the world; while God's temple in Jerusalem has been destroyed twice and is now no more. I asked God why? And I learn that we don't need it anymore because we have Jesus. The veil has been torn from top to bottom when Jesus died on the cross so we can have immediate access to God, to His holy presence. Now, the Holy Spirit dwells in each of us. Indeed, how bless are we.

Above all, I felt such a strong need for God in Cambodia. Millions of tourists visit the country every year but most of the nation's people are living on less than $1 per day. Children as young as 6 or 7 will be selling postcards or souvenirs at tourist sites wearing no shoes or slippers. Many don't have opportunities to formal education, even if they do, they cram classrooms filled with rubbish and limited number of desks. People there live simple lives with little or no education but remain such genial, good people (well, at least all those I've met are). They live holding hopes for a better future; and I pray that our Lord God be their hopes and Jesus to be their future. Hopefully and prayerfully, my next trip to Cambodia could be on mission trip.

A 'Petrol Station'. $1 for 1 litre of gasoline.

Throughout this trip, I'm constantly reminded that my life is not mine but God's. That I'm living on His time; I'm on God's timing. Time that is too precious to even let one minute slip away being idle, to stray from His will.

Living is not a private affair of the individual.

Living is what man does with God's time,

what man does with God's world.

Again and again, I'm humbled by His revelation. I learn that I really am not as strong as I think I am, but He is strong. I am not as smart as I think I am, but He is ever wise and intelligent. I am not as good as I think I am, but He is always good and only good. And I'm called to be like Him; one day, all my weaknesses will be made into strengths by His power.

I just need to will it.

I'm learning to be willing. To put up my sail even when His breathe is not blowing in the direction I want to go. My Father always knows best. So I'm gonna let Him steer me into uncertainty, for when Christ is in the vessel, I can smile at the storm =D

Time Off

2009-11-05T03:43:00.003+08:00

A much needed one.

Reflection.

Rejuvenation.

Reevaluation.

Music, books, coffee and God.

Life is feeling goooooooooood =)

His beauty is inexplicable.

Friends By Default

2009-11-04T00:02:00.005+08:00

Fear God, and you'll have nothing else to fear.

I discovered cheap gelato in Taipan! Patisfrance - the bakery beside Maybank and across Starbucks. 4 scoops for only RM9.60 and it tastes good too!

I haven't laughed so much since the past few months until Monday night's dinner with Daniel, Nad, Hafi, and KC. They reminded me the good company of friends and the endless silly laugh

ter that comes with it.

My year in Inti passes me by so quickly, before I know it, I've been friends with Nad, Hafi and KC for a year now. Though I didn't bother making friends then, they put in effort to ask me out for lunches and events countless times to which I 'politely' decline. Only after Hafi complaint (countless times) that we never have lunch together after 6months being friends that I caved in. Only after KC pointed out that the number of friends I have in Inti can be counted with one hand (with one finger to spare) that I realize I really am a social hermit.

Well, of course lah...

She didn't count my Psych text and History text, I consider them my best friends!

I used to recognize Hafi and KC as 'friends by default' - Hafi is my friend because we share at least one Psych class every semester and similar point of views on education and assignments. KC is my friend because we are both high achievers (that's what Lee Chan Yu says because he cant understand how a Psych major and an Advertising major can be friends, one is *supposedly* quiet-observant and the other is action-power packed). But now I recognize them as 'friends who stuck around' even when our conversations revolves only around classes, lecturers, university choices, and assignments.

And I'm ever grateful =)

Our only group photo and its without Daniel (the konon birthday boy)...

hahahahaha

Credits: Daniel

Now here is another one of Nad's quotes -

Nad: (giving directions)

When you see Shell take a left turn, then take a right turn, you will see a building that is...err...in the process of....err......building. Go straight, then you'll see the shop. It has a big green fish, you cant miss it, it's a big fish.

Have a great holiday people!

Life, Liberty, and The Pursuit of Happiness!

2009-11-01T22:19:00.009+08:00

Right after our Philosophy paper 31st October 10.30am -

Nad: I'm finally feeling what everybody else felt!

Did you know?

The US constitution of life, liberty and pursuit of happiness is actually written based on Locke's philosophy of government, though his actual social philosophy is life, liberty, estate (the right to own property). Thus, people say the US government is actually a big social experiment for Locke's philosophy.

But Locke's philosophy did not come out for exam...after those hours...

But that's okay because I'm HAPPY. For once, I feel so free! I feel so LIBERATED. My mind is empty! No more university applications, no more deadlines, no more tutoring, no more meetings, nothing! For once, my pockets are not filled with receipts recycled as to-do lists. For once, my car's backseat is not filled with notes, books, documents and random snacks.

I was so happy after the exam that I couldn't stop laughing while driving home.

I laughed and sang out loud to songs I've never heard of on the radio, I just couldn't stop laughing and singing.

Me:

Once upon a time,

JESSICA LOKE FINISHED HER FINALS AND IS ONLY WAITING TO LEAVE FOR THE STATES!

HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA

ENJOY YOUR FINALS!

Shiny:

You talk some more I take knife and stab you.

I haven't felt this happy for a long time. But I know well, it is only happiness. It is fleeting. Fleeting like most people's desire to do this and that during the holidays, but the desire fades away on the second day of the holiday itself. So amidst the singing and laughing, I prayed to God to grant me His joy. I only remembered this prayer now actually, it only goes to show how forgetful we humans are yet God is ever faithful because He never forgets.

I was running late this morning to church, and praise and worship has already started. So, I rushed to parked my car, ran all the way to the hall. Heart racing, mind running. But, as I stepped into the hall, at first sight, I was awestruck. My heart stopped, my mind cleared. I just stood there, basked in the wonderful presence of God. "How beautiful is our God, how very beautiful and awe-some He is", I kept thinking.

Joy overwhelms me to the point tears filled my eyes.

I can only smile, lift up my hands high and worship Him.

This is joy.

Joy because His love resides in me.

Father, I thank You for I pray to an amazing God.

2009-10-31T02:56:00.001+08:00

Hello Everyone!

I'm Jo, Jess' sister. She is staying awake studying Philosophy. She is wise now. Her room smells weird............ Ok bb.

O' Lord You Are Merciful

2009-10-30T06:48:00.004+08:00

I just discovered...

Locke's empirical argument is not coming out in the subjective part.

THEN JESSICA WHY OH WHY DID YOU SPENT 5 HOURS ON THAT?!?! (including nap time)

See Jessica? Sometimes you gotta check first.

Jessica, Jessica, Jessica.

Bye Locke. We are not related.

10am, Thursday, 20th Oct -

Qisti: Yay! I've finished my exams!

Me: I haven't even started mine yet. Don't celebrate now or I'll kick your ass.

After my Microeconomics paper, I couldn't help ranting about it in the CAE.

Nad: It's okaylah Jessica, it's over already. Let's go get cendol.

Daniel:

Eh, no! Later she scold the cendol fella! - *in a somewhat Indian accent* The elasticity of your pulut is wrong!

Sigh. I actually find that funny.

Such a lame and nerdy joke.

Okays, though I don't need to see Locke anymore about Philosophy of Knowledge, I still need to see him now for Social Philosophy.

Hi again Locke =D I think you me are related.....again...

Dear Father, I pray that You will keep my sanity (and memory) intact.

Hi Locke. Why Are You In My Philosophy Textbook?

2009-10-27T23:28:00.005+08:00

One day, during class, I told Nad -

Me:

I secretly think that John Locke is one of my ancestors. So is Loke Yew. Locke probably married an Asian who has bad spelling and lost the C somewhere down the family line. Then, one of them probably had Loke Yew then ta-dah! Me!

Nad:

Er. Jess, have you gone crazy studying Philo?

But Jo told me Loke Yew's actual name is Wong Loke Yew so there goes my famous ancestors.

But Locke, if you really are my ancestor, there must be some genes you passed down to me to understand your philosophy!

First our Senses, conversant about particular sensible objects, do convey into the mind several distinct perception of things, according to those various ways wherein those objects do affect them......zzzzzzzzzzzzz *falls asleep and drools on Philosophy textbook*

Oh well...

I guess not....

Me:

After 2 months, I decided that I actually like studying philosophy *smiles*

Mr. Eric:

You mean you like studying the dumbed down version of introduction to philosophy? *bigger smile*

Yeah, so my Philosophy lecturer isn't the nurturing kind that showers us with praises and approval. Instead, he 'lavishes' us with sarcasm and Monty Python videos, and inserts such statements into our notes -

"Few philosphers in history have been so unreadable and dry as Immanuel Kant. Yet few have had a more devastating impact on human thought. Kant's devoted servant, Lumppe, is said to have faithfully read each thing his master published, but when Kant published his most important work, "The Critique of Pure Reason," Lumppe began but did not finish it because, he said, if he were to finish it, it would have to be in a mental hospital."

So this is the first statement I read before I attempt to conquer Kant's philosophy. Thanks Mr. Eric, you're the best! *big wide smile*

But really, I'm grateful to have enrolled in this class. One of the classes I learn most from and thoroughly enjoy. So fellow AUP-ians, if you're interested, do enroll in PHI101 with Mr. Eric Lee Chan Yu! (also because Philosophy is gonna be wayyyyyy tougher in the states, 50% failure rate?)

Only because I don't post enough pictures in my blog...

hahahaha

Credits: KC

Transition - Contemplation - Take Action!

2009-10-26T17:28:00.002+08:00

I just realized I haven't been laughing for a long time.

I'm not depressed really.

I just hadn't found something to laugh out loud about, for quite some time now.

Perhaps I'm just smiling on the inside.

Yesterday I just realize the irony of Bathsheba's name.

King David first saw her while she was taking a bath.

Well, that's kinda funny....heeeeeeeee

Jess you have lost it.

I've been asking dear Daddy lately which university should I go to. And the other day while meditating on this (while bathing, I think all the time these days), I pictured this -

Me:

*eyes close, praying so fervently* Dear Heavenly Father, tell me oh tell me, which university should I go to?

- a sign saying X university is shown -

Me:

*opens eyes to see, then closes them again* Dear Heavenly Father, tell me oh tell me, which university should I go to?

- a sign still saying X university is shown -

Me:

*opens eyes, gets frustrated* Hey Man, are you going to let me know or not?! I'm going to give you one last chance. *closes eyes* Dear God, please tell me where should I be.

- silence -

Me: I emo with You now. *EMO*

*shakes head*

Jessica, Jessica, Jessica.

Well, I certainly hope I haven't been so ignorant and disobedient; but I know how often I tend to act this way. Our gracious Father has been ever so patient with me. When I think about it again, Sophie's words ring in my head -

Soph: Sometimes He gives us the freedom to choose.

Hmmm....

More thorough research of the schools I applied to needs to be done.

On a brighter note, finals are here. YAY!

Awakening

2009-10-22T22:22:00.006+08:00

Yesterday afternoon, I received the news that my uncle has passed away. He has been suffering from lung cancer for a while but was looking forward to recovery when I visited him not long ago. His death is a shock for me. While my family rushed back to tend to his funeral, I sit in Inti attending my last few days of classes and completing my applications with a heavy heart. I am tired Father; I just want You now.

Today, I was hit hard.

Hit by an overwhelming desire to seek Your face, hit by an urgent need to humble myself and hit so incredibly hard by the reality I live in. I can't hide from You, Father. I broke down, I wept in front of You; though how much I try to hold back my tears, I couldn't.

I cried because I don't know where my uncle is right now. I don't know if he's with You, Father. I don't know if I'll be seeing him ever again. I cried because I'm just so afraid the same is going to happen to my family, and my friends. Are they going to choose You, Father? Will You please, please, please open their eyes to see, ears to hear and hearts to receive You O'Lord? Will You please move in us so powerfully that we will never be able to deny You?

I cried because I'm afraid the same would happen for me. I don't know Father what would I say if someone puts a knife to my throat and ask whether I believe in You. I'm afraid to lose You but I know I might just as well turn my back on You. Please strengthen my faith my dear Father. Reading Peter's story almost 2000 years later, I find it so convenient to just scoff at how Peter denied Jesus 3 times. I used to read and think I would never, ever, ever do such a thing to You, I would never deny You. I used to think I'm so much better than Peter; but the fact is, I was (and perhaps still am) only a Judas, Father.

At the beginning of this semester, I said I will follow You, Father, You be the pilot of my life. As I take on all the responsibilities I encounter, You revealed to me, "I am the Lord, Your God, who takes hold of Your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you." Isaiah 41: 13. At first I was only taking small steps, but with Your strength, I started doing little hops, then before I know it, I was running, Father. I was running for You Father! I ran, and I ran, and I ran.

I was so happy with myself! I couldn't wait to tell you how awesome I'm doing and asked if You are proud of me. But when I looked beside me, You are not there anymore. I looked behind, nope. So I squinted my eyes and looked harder, and there I see You, far behind waving at me. You were calling at me to go back, telling me I've gotten way ahead of myself, that I'm at the danger of getting lost. And I gotta admit, I was reluctant to walk back to You, Father; I thought You should come to me instead!

Forgive me, Father?

Help me learn to be a willing and obedient child of Yours.

Help me humble myself to learn.

Help me keep the best for You always.

As I end this chapter in Inti College tomorrow, grant me willingness to obey where You plant me next, Father. I might be enchanted by Cornell, Colgate or Wheaton; but show me Your way and Your will, Father, and I will follow You. You are all I want because there is none greater than You.

You're breaking......

You're breaking......into my heart.

And I'm......letting You.

Your eyes are full,

full of the future of us.

The thief by Brooke Fraser

Thank you guys sincerely for praying for my uncle. Please continue to pray for me and my family; for Him to be our comfort and guide; also that God will grant me His wisdom and courage and use me to reach out to my family especially during such a time. Additionally, I've also finally completed all my universities applications. Please pray that God will direct me to the right doors. Thank you sincerely =)

My Final Week In College

2009-10-19T20:20:00.005+08:00

Me: Nad, I'm getting cold feet about leaving now.

Nad: Then rub them together until they warm back up. *laughs*

I'm learning to deal with the pain of responsibilities.

I'm learning to face harsh truths in my life.

And I'm learning to lay my complete trust in our Lord Jesus Christ.

For Seafieldians, remember Andy Gan Hsien Loong? Yup, the golfer. Let's take 10minutes off our busy-ness to read this and keep him in prayer =)

I'm learning to breathe

I'm learning to crawl

I'm finding that You and

You alone can break my fall

I'm living again, awake and alive

I'm dying to breathe in these abundant skies

So this is the way

that I say that I need You

This is the way

That I say I love You

This is is the way

that I say I'm Yours

This is the way

"Learning to Breathe" by Switchfoot

Dear Ce Ce Blue,

2009-10-19T02:05:00.002+08:00

aka MoJo the witch from Salem

aka MojoJojo from PPG

aka Wolverine

I love you for cleaning the toilet.

although you made it dirty in the first place.

although you forgot to properly scrub the toilet bowl and replace a new tube of toothpaste.

although I paid you 2 ringgit to do it.

I still love you Ce Ce Blue! =D

Hallelujah~ We Want To Lift You Higher~

2009-10-17T21:18:00.003+08:00

Paul Baloche - A Greater Song

This week I've learn that true joy in a person can only come from God =)

Just one more week of classes, another for finals, and everything will be over. This semester has gone by faster than I've expected. You know how they say you don't really miss something until its gone, why are we humans like that? Hmmm.... I wonder how does Psychology explain this phenomenon.

I'm anxious. Jumpy.

The end of October is here.

I need to REALLY complete my applications once and for all.

This weekend.

Jessica oh Jessica......Why why why why do you always wait til' the deadline. I think its a sickness. Maybe procrastination will be labeled as a disorder someday in the DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorder).

Okay enough of nerd talk. Currently, I'm in the midst of compiling a list of things I have to do while I'm still in Malaysia and another list for what I have to do in the states. So, help me out please? hehe

Here's an illustration why we should never lie -

1. Coming home from work, a woman stopped at the corner deli to buy a chicken for supper. The butcher reached into a barrel, grabbed the last chicken he had, flung it on the scales behind the counter, and told the woman its weight. She thought for a moment. "I really need a bit more chicken than that," she said."Do you have any larger ones?" Without a word, the butcher put the chicken back into the barrel, groped around as though finding another, pulled the same chicken out, and placed it on the scales. "This chicken weighs one pound more," he announced. The woman pondered her options and then said, "Okay. I'll take them both."

Taken from: homehttp://www.blountweb.com/churches/eastside/bestpolicy.html

Happy Deepavali Malaysians!

And Happy Diwali for the rest of the world!

Here's to My Twin - Alexis =D

2009-10-12T00:00:00.004+08:00

God be with you.

"Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous fall." Psalm 55:22

"Blessed are those whose strength is in you, who have set their hearts on pilgrimage." Psalm 84:5

Jo did this after she called Alexis today and felt she sounded "very, very, very sad and tired".

Composed and written by MoJo, sung and destroyed by her sister. (at least I contributed!)

And Jo complains when I asked her to edit my university application essays!

Jo! (willingness)

Jess Doesn't Really Like Driving Now

2009-10-10T10:25:00.003+08:00

I think I've spent 5% of my time in the past few months stuck in traffic.
It's not a very happy feeling especially when you're driving Betty - she's a manual.
Today it took me 3 hours to go to Kepong and come back to Subang.

I'm really sad.

When I finally got home 4 hours later after picking up Jo from the KTM -

Jo: Oh man... I'm so tired. Can't even get up from the car seat.

Me: Er. You're still wearing the seatbelt.

I'm really sad because my sister is so 'smart'.
It could be genetical.... T.T

Nowadays, I'm usually in school from 7am until (at least) 7pm. There was one day when I have nothing left to do at 4pm, and I felt weird going home so early.

It has already been a year since I first enrolled in Inti College. I used to just go to classes or wait before my classes start at Starbucks. The only times I stepped into Inti would be for classes or to sit in my corner in the library. Inti felt so foreign, like one of those weird relatives who visit you once in a blue moon. They try being friendly and nice to you, but there is still that 'distanced' feeling you know.

In my mind I thought, "I'll only be here for 1 year, satu tahun sahaja!, then I'll have enough credits to transfer to my dream school". All I need to do is studyworkpray to achieve my 4.04.04.0. So of course I didn't bother making many friends or joining clubs or anything that will 'attach' me to Inti.

(so here comes the expected and corny part of this post)

I finally joined Inti Christian Fellowship last semester, with an extra push from both Alexis and Auntie Dino; subsequently got involved in the committee this semester. Then, finally got our weekly bible study running consistently. I find myself tutoring 3 person this semester (I think I'll definitely score A+ if I have to take PSY105 again because I have to go through the text at least 3 times). I stay back just to talk to lecturers, most of the time I get more questions in return than answers but I still learn more than I ever could just listening in class. I finally got to know all the academic advisors in the CAE; initially my intention was only to have them help me with my applications, but now I just love to sit there and learn from their lives. Being able to step into the CAE each morning and be greeted with smiling faces makes the rest of your day much sweeter.

God rebuked me good and let me know how important it is to engage where He planted me in. His vision for me wasn't to hide away for one year until it's time to transfer; that was my way. We always wish to see our ways as best and all else secondary. I guess many times it is not only choosing our own will over His, but forgetting His ways exist altogether.

At last, I feel settled; Inti feels like home.

Yet, it's my last semester and I'm leaving for the states soon.

Life is ironic eh?

I have been preparing to leave since 2007. Back then, I felt ever so ready to conquer the world, to realize my dreams as a child to study in the states. In retrospect I know very well I was not ready, and if I were to leave back then I can't imagine who would I've become now. Lord, I thank you so much for keeping me here, I understand why now.

Right now, I don't feel like leaving anymore =(

I finally feel settled in Inti and I have to start all over in the states?

Foreign places, foreign faces?

-20 degree Celsius when I arrive in January?

Should I stay until next August?

ahhhhhhhhhhh..............................

*inhale exhale*

Father, I leave all my questions to you, because I know for real now that You always know best. My trust is in You, my Truth can only be found in You. I surrender everything into Your hands Father Lord; not 70%, not 90% or even 99.9% Father, I give you 100% of myself. No matter how painful or tiring it may be Lord, I give you my all, change and transform me completely. Forever and ever Father, let me stand as a witness of Your mercy and grace.

This is my cry,

my one desire,

more of You,

more of You.

Thank You for The Cross

2009-10-05T22:13:00.002+08:00

National Film Board of Canada - 2009 Winning Short Film.

I Know You're Everything

2009-10-04T22:53:00.004+08:00

You're all I'll ever need,
I know You're everything to me.

I know You're everything.
You're all I'll ever need,
I know You're everything to me.

I know You're everything.
You're all I'll ever need,
I know You're everything to me

cuz' I belong to You!
Yes I belong to You!

Victor misses Wolverine =(

2009-10-03T22:35:00.002+08:00

By the way Jo, what is Ben then?

My First Encounter

2009-09-30T22:28:00.005+08:00

I have not bath in more than 24 hours (again).

I have not slept for more than 2 hours for 4 days.

I have not rest for more than an hour for more than a week.

But I've completed my philosophy mid-terms and 2 university applications! Woohoo!

It was 6pm. My body has been running on its forth cup of coffee and I have not stop to rest since 2am. I don't like to use the word tired, but I really am tired after not having sleep, not much food; only running on coffee and constant prayers. My final task for the day was a tutoring session then I can happily return and have another cup of coffee and perhaps facebook a little (yay! no life!) then go back to microeconomics.

But while I was in the library discussion room (diligently explaining psychology), KahHo (not my tutee, just a random sakai) suddenly interrupted and said, "Jessica, did you felt that?" I was TIRED, and was gonna smack him if he was pulling another joke on me. Just when I was gonna say something very stupid in return, I FELT IT. The floor was shaking! But my lagging brain was thinking, "Errr... are they trying to test the strength of the building or something....wah something very strong must be pushing the building...."

All four of us suddenly paused as if we were meditating or something. Then he pointed at a picture hanging on the wall and said, "Look, its shaking." We continued to stare at the vibrating picture and froze there. (I think our brains was seriously malfunctioning at 6pm) Until 5 seconds later, finally one of us said, "Err...should we leave now?"

Of course when we scramble out of the discussion room, there was already a crowd at the library entrance. There was panic in the air but a very silent panic. Instantly, I remembered something similar happening 2 years ago or so in KL reported in the news, I guess its nothing big yet my instinct still directed me to get out of the building as quick as possible.

As I watched everybody, who gathered at the parking lot, enthusiastically sharing their own experience; I was thinking at the same time not very far away many are either breathing their last breathes or trapped wondering if they were gonna survive.

Me: Oh no, my books are still up there.

JieYee: At least its only your books, my HOUSE is up there!

(her dorm room is on the 10th floor)

I can't help remembering what Ms. Khor said in psych class that we can be discussing famines or people dying nonchalantly while chomping down on our McDs. While having the thoughts that people are dying, my brain is also thinking this is a waste of time, I need to get back to work! There can be earthquakes or tsunamis or hurricanes but reality tells me microeconomics mid-terms will still be on tomorrow. This will be on the news tonight and we'll all wake up to another day; the people in the Samoan island (Tuesday) woke up to a nightmare of dead kins and flattened houses but its okay, we'll donate 10ringgit to charity, act like we've done our bit of contribution and feel good about ourselves.

No doubt after finishing this post I'll go back to my microeconomics. I'll return to another busy day tomorrow, proceed to read on newspaper about the 8.0 magnitude earthquake with a death-toll of hundreds thus far and another one of Padang's earthquake (the one which was felt in both Malaysia and Singapore). Perhaps watch a charitable concert on mtv few weeks later with short clips of celebrities visiting devastated places and partaking in some 'relief efforts'.

I feel so foolish that my self is so bounded to the world; its responsibilities and pitiless indifference. Lord, I don't know what I can do, but please teach me because I want to do them for You. Please let me take on Your burden and Your yolk and let me be in the world but not of the world.

Tonight before going to bed, let's not only say a prayer for those affected by the earthquakes and tropical depression but also one for ourselves - that we may never be complacent with only saying a prayer and donating some money but always be stirred to do more.

Oh Busy Days are BackBackBack!

2009-09-27T14:42:00.003+08:00

My soul satellite is telling me, someone is watching over me!
Closer than my heart,beating to eternity.

Truth is, I don't like telling people that I'm too busy and way too busy to spare anyone any of my time. I hatehatehate it when people give excuses that they are too busy or when people boast about how busy they are as if they are more so incredibly important when they can spend hours on msn and facebook.

God, please help me not to be like that okay?

I know I can fill my whole calendar yet still have time to sit at the dining table to laugh at Jo for an hour especially every time mummy yells from the living room "JOANNE LOKE YI HUA HAVE YOU FINISH YOUR DINNER?!?!" Poor mummy, after she had finished dinner for close to an hour, her 19-year-old daughter is still at the dining table with still half a plate of rice left.

The other day while doing the dishes (yes! I do chores!) Jo was beside me and she was cutting apples. Suddenly I thought, "Fuiyoh, for once Jo is cutting me some apples." Then, of course, life is not a fairy tale - Jo proceeded not to eat those apples herself but fed them to the dog.

The dog did not finish (or enjoy) those apples.

Few hours later -

Credits: MoJo herself

Me:
See Jo? You did not manage to please the dog and you further displease mummy! Pabo!

Pabo means fool in Korean! Jessica suddenly knows Korean and *GASP* SuperJunior because Christine Ong showed her a video which made Jessica's IQ drop about 10 points.

If you think you are too intelligent and don't mind 10minutes of your life you'll never get back - Click here!

Until next time (Jo does something dumb) back to Philosophy!

Found IT!

2009-09-24T20:44:00.000+08:00

When Faith Moves Mountains

2009-09-23T02:03:00.002+08:00

"Faith is a means by which one resigns in the present to invest an abstract future promise." Cuauhtemoc Medina

I was deluded by the thinking that by living in the present means I should do all that I want to do without further reasoning because careful reasoning and thinking will only impede my actions. And people always say you'll have more regrets over things you did not do than regrets on things you did perform. Carpe Diem! Seize the day! It's all so misleading; you feel almost obliged to do certain things you don't have a good feeling about just so you can 'live life to the fullest!'. If we refuse, we'll get the line "Why you so not sporting one?" As a result, so many of us live today with no principles nor firm beliefs. We take life as life is thrown at us and we whine about the predicament "the world put us into". In other words, we are but slaves of whatever life gives us.

I'm afraid of leaving. I wasn't afraid before but I am now; I was asleep before but now my eyes are wide open. Before, I had nothing to lose; but, now I'm afraid of losing my values, everything I stand for, I'm afraid of losing my faith, afraid of losing Him.

It is an abstract future, but it is not one without sound reasoning. It is not blind. I am not deluded, at least I no longer am =) and for this, I can only thank Lord. I can only pray that my faith be strong enough to guide me through what life throws at me so I can rise above those circumstances and stand as a witness for His mercy and grace.

My old self has been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me. So I live in this earthly body by trusting in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.

Galatians 2:20

Be careful what you wish for,

history starts now.

World by Five for Fighting

This Brings M.E.M.O.R.I.E.S

2009-09-07T23:45:00.004+08:00

As I was just heading back to my room to get back to good ol' Philosophy, Pn. Looi's FB account caught my eye so I decided to check out what new travelling pictures she has uploaded.

BUT THEN,

something else caught my eye! It's...........

JENG

Datin Hasiah writing on her wall!

And then.......

JENG

I saw Pn. Wang's FB account! And!

JENG X 99999999999999999999

I ADDED HER! I DON'T KNOW WHY I DID IT?!?!?!?!??!

Thus, story ends here because my blog address is actually on my FB profile.

But check this out! One of Datin Hasiah's photos, haven't seen this one before right guys? (Only seen the other one from the Star) We all looked so happy celebrating Datin's retirement; she, even happier.

This picture is hilarious! First of all, there is a person (Rebecca Chew?) popping out above Loi's butt. And then! Woody's expression with the hand beside! And Preman's! So out of place! (the dude beside Woody) Only Gan Kar Mern is looking at this camera. Sophie looks..........crazy. I really don't understand my expression either. And, Ryui Bynn. ehem. No comment.

Oh, memories....

A World Without Coffee

2009-09-04T12:16:00.003+08:00

is absolutely depressing.

Just like the movie I watched in Philosophy class - Human Nature;
just like the song I heard on Sam's blog Gary Jules - Mad World;

just reminds me how pathetic we people are;
just reminds me how sad the world we live in is;
just reminds me how much we all need God.

On a less depressing note -

BENG is coming back! =D

He's not giving you the finger,
it's just how he holds his phone
-
like a little girl... hehe

Reminds Me of Somebody I Know...

2009-09-03T01:05:00.004+08:00

Who shamelessly tells me (even when I begged her not to) how long she hasn't shave and how many inches it probably has grown...

credits: nataliedee

And now I actually miss her telling me gross stuff like that.
Oh, the irony of life =)

Semester 4 - Gear 1 (for now)

2009-09-01T22:25:00.004+08:00

People talk on the their handphones during traffic jams.

I talk to God.

It's free!

Today while driving to school

- the first day of my 4th semester aka my last semester! serious one! -

I prayed that my last 2 months won't be about just classes and assignments, another 4.0 (cheh!) or just another 8 weeks.

I prayed that my presence in Inti would actually be a blessing to the people there instead of otherwise - when I first made friends in AUP it's because I needed to get 2nd hand textbooks.

I prayed that my one year plus in Inti actually counts for something other than just working hard to make the grade, endless worries about assignments and tests, and have nothing in mind other than just transferring after compiling enough credit hours.

Of course, I also prayed that this semester will be even more awesome than the previous one! =D

Okay people, even though my cGPA is now 3.97 I'm notnotnot sad! You guys can stop taunting me now imnotsad.imnotsad.imnotsad. hahahahaha.....

Frankly, last semester was the best time I've ever had packed in 4 months that I really don't care I got an A- In those 4 months, I've learn and experienced so much more than any 0.03 can buy; made some awesome trips to Lang Tengah, Malacca, Genting! & PD; on top of that, formed unexpected bonds and friendships. Plus, a cGPA of 3.97 shows I'm an actual living, breathing human!

But those who got a 4.0 GPA this semester better not walk into any lorong alone....*palms fist*

God reminded me that back in May, I blogged that I have a feeling that the semester was going to be a good one; He has never shortchanged me.

I have a feeling this semester is going to be even better! Beyond all expectations!

So, here we go!

6am mornings, traffic jams, sleep in car, forget to bath, lousy parkings, sleepless nights assignments and tests BUT unforgettable experiences, awesome people and a great God!

joy unspeakable that won't go away,

just enough strength to live for the day,

but I never have to worry what tomorrow may bring,

because my faith is on solid rock!

I'm counting on God!

She's a Loke!

2009-08-30T21:21:00.002+08:00

From now onwards my name shall be solely known as Loke because SeeTho said she can pick up a stone, throw it simply, and it will hit at least 99999999999 Jessica's.

credits: nataliedee

These 2 quotes have been ringing in my head lately -

Sow a thought, reap an action; sow an action, reap a habit; sow a habit, reap a character; sow a character, reap a destiny.

Ralph Waldo Emerson

Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.

Proverbs 4:23

Tanggal tiga puluh satu, bulan lapan lima puluh tujuh.
Merdeka, merdeka................*forgot lyrics*
Happy Merdeka people!

The Last Time I'm Seeing Dharshini (for a long, long, long time)

2009-08-28T10:44:00.004+08:00

We had 2 large McD fries, 1 large bicarbonate drink and more ice kacang.

Hah Dhar! So much for being a doctor!

Did you realize we have that every time you're back?

Dhar reminded how fast time was passing by us; in another 6 months, she'll be back here to do her 3rd year in Penang. It felt like only yesterday Pigrol and I was at her house discussing about what to do upon getting our STPM results; then, Pigrol has this crazy idea of going to India. Dhar remembered it was March 13 2008; she left for India at the end of March itself. It felt as though it was only yesterday when we all sent Dhar off at the airport. Amelia cried as usual.

It felt though it was only last week when Dhar was making jokes with Shen Ni, Keh Len about how I always fall asleep during Pn Norhaliza's (wow, I remembered her name) class, actually not only her class lar, there is also Jega, Shanta, Saadiah (once again, wow) We actually had competitions - who falls asleep last wins - but it never worked! Shen Ni can poke me all she wants but I'll still be drooling on my textbook.

It felt as though it was last year (you get the idea) when we first entered Seafield! When we first encounter Pn Leong, make horrendous jokes about Pn Fong and laughed at Pn Joriah. I still remember Leong's moral class (nothing about the nilai), remember how Fong's face came 1 inch away from ours on the first day of school asking if we need math tuition - dong make noise ah! if not i jot tow your name - and of course all of Joriah's jewelry, Grace calls her the walking jewelry shop.

How can I forget when Sukhdave, Hon Ming, Wai Yuen, Ong Loong always gather together just to discuss this (besides reading horoscopes - the hobbies of the nerds)! I can still do a pretty mean immitation of Fong, Leong, Joriah, and Cheong Ah Chan! But before we left school, all 4 of them had, both Fong and Leong retired, no news of Cheong Ah Chan after she migrated to the states while the one we laughed at all the time is a Pengetua somewhere.

In another year, it'll be Engineer Sukhdave and Ong Loong, Accountant Pei Chin and Pei Ting, in addition to designer Wai Yuen; another 3 years - Dr. Hon Ming and Dharshini and Pigrol. We used to have discussions on where we see ourselves in 5 or 10 years; now that it is all happenning, it felt as if it was only yesterday that we were young and stupid, laughing at BBA 7278.

Dhar, we've been through PMR, SPM, STPM together and I've seen how you blossomed into the beautiful person you are now, both inside and out. You look so much like a doctor now I'm serious! Through those 7 years you have continuously care and support me whether it was in my academics or other issues. I can never forget our choral speaking days, how we tried to solve unsolvable math questions, and of course Thaya. Yesterday while dropping you off, yeah, it reminded me the times I drop you off after Mrs Gooi or Ms Elizabeth classes. And to think that this would be the last time I'm dropping you off......................

Anyways, my dear Dhar, have a safe journey back to Salem the land of no McD (Oh no!). No matter whether you're in India or Penang or I'm in US I'll never forget you. Don't forget to invite me for your wedding through facebook! Til' then, enjoy staring at people's teeth!

Frustration.

2009-08-27T20:17:00.003+08:00

a: The state or an instance of being frustrated.

b: A deep chronic sense or state of insecurity and dissatisfaction arising from unresolved problems or unfulfiled needs.

Still. You know me best.
To be radical and real. I wonder what does that means.

This picture, posted on Shiny's blog is an evidence that she's jealous of my beauty.

After not seeing Shiny for close to 2 months (record-breaking)

Me: *big wide grin* Have you forgot how I look like?

Shiny: Please lar, 15 years already, I'll never forget your face.

Shiny: Sadly.

It's Thursday! Thursday night! And, I haven't even come close to finishing my applications! I feel so uptight and restless not knowing where I'm heading to at this moment. All along I've seen myself in Mount Holyoke College, where I'll eventually graduate in 2011 (let's be optimistic) and join the ranks of great women like Emily Dickinson. If not MHC, it would be me wearing a jacket which spells Y.A.L.E. (sigh, gossip girl ruined my life - new season out on Sept 14!)

But now! But now! But now!

URGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Now all I see is a pile of recommendation letters to be completed, favors to be asked, tedious forms to be filled, bulldog's face...... And I know I shouldn't be anxious, shouldn't be all so stressed up, and that I should just put my trust in Him.

BUT. BAGAIMANA????????

I'm feeling so frustrated now that I'm speaking in BM which I got B3 in; at that time I felt it was the end of the world (sigh, 17 young and stupid). All of us were, I remember Sukhdave wanted to order the "Sad lunch" Get it?? Get it??

AHHHHHHHHHHH Oh no! Sukhdave! Dharshini! Siu Ni! SJ! Ken! MARIAAAAAAAAA! All these people whom I said I'll meet up with this holiday. And it's Thursday night! Tomorrow it'll be Friday then it'll be the weekend, then HERE WE GO AGAIN - wake up 6am, traffic jams, stupiak parkings, sleep in car, forget to bath, sleepless assignment deadlines....

My mind is so clouded with all these thoughts! Above all these, I'm missing my best friend who used to get me organized, drag me out of bed when I don't feel like doing anything and makes me smile silly.

urghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

*Dharshini text to meet up*

at least one thing off my list.

Happy last few days of holiday me =((((((((((((((

Alexis See Tho Wai Kuan

2009-08-23T18:02:00.013+08:00

I didn't have the privilege (fuiyoh, stop smilling woman) of knowing Alexis See Tho Wai Kuan until the first time I ask her out for dinner on a very random note on June 3rd 2009. Before that I've been wanting to know that tall girl who strides in and out of CAE (Centre of American Education) looking all so capable, responsible and mature; I wanted to know her even more when I stumble upon her blog knowing that she's majoring in journalism and on fire for God.

Being short (5' 3' stop saying I'm only 5'2'!), having a common face and a low profile in the CAE, my chance of knowing her was little to none. Seriously, I think she only sees the top of people's heads when she walks. And then! JENG JENG JENG! My chance came when Shaza was talking about her and said she would introduce me to her; this subsequently led to the most awkward introductory meeting I've ever been.

Ya, I've repeated it a million times but I can't get over how dumb it was!

You may go to sleep now Wai Kuan.

She was in the middle of a meeting with her Ed-Board members (omigosh she was like the Editor-In-Chief for Inti's newsletter!!! Ya actually I didn't know we have a newsletter before I know her) and they were all standing in a circle in the CAE, this Shaza just grabbed my hands and dragged me into the middle of the circle and introduced me, loudly proclaiming, "Oh! Alexis here is Jessica! She's been wanting to know you for a long time!"

Oh noes man!

First impression was totally gone.

Of course nothing happened after that awkward meeting; life is not a fairy tale okay ladies and gentlemen.

But when the new semester started in May,

guess who was in my Econs class???? *wink wink*

Guess who sat beside me???? *wink wink wink*

Guess who was in my assignment group??? *wink wink x9999999999999*

When we started talking, I realized we share so much in common that it's creepy! We both love music, both enjoy cooking (though she thinks my cooking sucks), read the same books, both crazily spontaneous, both hungry for Truth.... The list goes on, and the worst thing that we have in common is that both of us have a pile of clothes in our room (some clean, some worn) that we squat beside and sniff out piece by piece every morning deciding what to wear.

We are like twins; on the inside that is.

The only difference was that she was tall and I am short!

I'm prettier and she's...............!

What happened from that dinner onwards was history -

The day where we attended 2 church services and Beau Bristow showcase, aka the super-holy day, the very same week we just knew each other! I won that CD through a lucky draw! I've rarely won stuff at lucky draws like that!!!

The following week when I cluelessly agreed to go for the Ed-Board Camp in Genting then nearly died of exhaustion during the Amazing Race you planned which purposely hindered me and Jon from winning! Oh ya! WHERE ARE THE PRIZES?!?!? Jon is already in the states so I don't mind having his share as well.

The many times we ate at Salmon Steak; where you have never fail to order the same food and sit in the same position.

The social circles we share when we cross-paths - KC the one pretending to be hardworking while you looked on with a very bored stare.

Jon Yam, one of the nicest guys I've ever met. The one who made me run for 2 hours plus in Genting, yes I'll never forget you!

Mojo, who now calls you half a sister. She says you're way cooler than me. She checks your facebook more often than I do, seriously.

"Moses" and your brother, also your very friendly mum, still can't believe you invited me to your brother's family birthday celebration when we've known each other for only 2 weeks! Moses is going to take your place now during my visits to Cheras.

Last but not least, Auntie Dino, the big well of knowledge and wisdom we continue to 'leech' from.

Besides you, I'll miss driving around Jazzy the most.

And your amazement of the skies while I drive Jazzy. Nowadays when I drive Betty, I too start noticing the clouds and the blue skies.

The many times we went out with Jo for sushi and watched her getting stuff stuck between her teeth.

And of course, of course the many hours upon hours we studied! Here you see me falling asleep; that actually happens alot. But in order to encourage you to perservere, I actually pretended not to be sleepy! What torture!

The amount of good food we had! Oh no! The pan mee, the loh shu fun in Murni, the endless flow of cendols, the banana leaf rice in Bangsar! The list is endless! So is the growth of our waistline man!

And I give you, Jessica the rockstar!

I've always wanted a picture of me with a guitar =)

Our very, very spontaneous trip to PD, Malacca and then Muar =)

So many more mental snapshots and memories! We did so much together that I felt we've been friends from a span of years, not just 3 months.

You have never cease to care for me like a mother - I will never have another friend who is willing to come to my house and cook me meals, and even study with me when her exams are over, who drives me all the way to MidValley just to have ice cream when I said I needed a break and leaves little notes of encouragement between my notes, whose idea of waking me up 3am to study is to drive all the way to my house, use the keys which I left in your car, in order to literally pull me out of my sweet slumber.

But most importantly, you have taught me much about myself and our walk with Him. I agree that nothing come by chance and all that had happened was in His plans and that they all serve as a bigger purpose in both our lives.

I'm at a lost with words here =/

I was out of touch with God when I first met you; He was only there if I can fit Him in my schedule, and I was just lost in the world and all its business. Then, God put you into my life - the mysterious tall girl whom I've always wanted to meet, who eventually became one of the dearest friend I've ever had. Your heart for God was so intriguing for me: we share the same interests, same beliefs, yet, where was my love for Him?

Hours before you left, you said, "God has bigger plans for you than a 4.0"

It hit me hard, I'll never forget.

So much more I want to write but so lost for words here.

Will continue more personally in your letter okie.

Right now, as this chapter with you in my life closes, I'm blessed with a new heart and new hunger to comprehend the depth, the width, the length and the height of His love. You played a vital role in all that. Through difficult times, you have never stopped being my friend; I can't be grateful enough for that. I only hope that I have that I have been a true friend in return.

He sees all that you have done Kuannie, He sees.

As you start a new life in the states, I believe with all my heart that God will start a new chapter better than the last, beyond our expectations.

For Alexis, defender of mankind,

From the rockstar happily having her pan mee =)

nyek nyek nyek

1 Week Of Holidays Left!

2009-08-23T07:33:00.014+08:00

Oh gosh!

I didn't even notice the holidays beginning; now it's already time to collect my results.

Every time when Jo is back, there is always something soaking in the bucket in the toilet.

#1 - Oh, it's her comb.

#2 - Oh, yuck, it's her retainer.

#3 - Oh, what the, it's her bra straps.

Last week, I attended Inti Christian Fellowship's camp in Golden Sands, Port Dickson. And I've learn - CAMP FOOD CAN BE GOOD. Seriously, I think the ladies there are so overflowing with God's grace that it pours into the food!

I never wanted to attend the camp. First of all it was 4 days long! (4 days without facebook?!) Secondly, it was the day after I sent Alexis off. I only got home close to 1am after seeing her off. Her first flight was to Singapore, before I reached home, I received a text saying she has arrived in Singapore. Thirdly, I really needed some ACTUAL holiday time to rest and to complete my university applications.

People: Hey when are you leaving?

Me: Err... December?

People: This December?

Me: Err.. Yes.

People: Where are you heading to?

Me: Err.... Not sure.

People: Roughly?

Me: Err... Not sure.

People: Have you applied?

Me: Err... In the process......

People: Have you even taken TOEFL?

Me: Err..... Taking soon!

Last but not least, Mr. Jon Yam was leaving for the states on Wednesday and I couldn't send him off because it was Why Love camp day 2 T.T Jon I'm pretty sure you are reading this, have a great weekend unpacking and prepare for school on Monday! I can't believe you choose to arrive the day before your orientation! What is this man?! I would have kicked your arse all the way to Buffalo if I knew!

I conjured up so many more excuses not to go; so I asked God, if you really want me to go, give me one clear sign. (After that, every time they promote the camp Alexis said it was a sign -_-) And though I was the demanding little girl I was, God gave me a sign - He appointed me as a group leader.

This was in addition to because both Alexis and Auntie Dino cant stop nagging at me to go. (Ya, thanks Kuannie) And also because I couldn't walk peacefully to the toilet without the CF people telling me to sign up! (Their booth was right next to the toilet) Sometimes I purposely take the lift up to use the library's toilet instead.

Sigh. Can't escape lar.

But. In the end, I've been greatly blessed in camp. God has been ever present especially during the first day when I just couldn't focus on anything at hand wknowing my best friend is flying further and further away. I have learn to just lean upon Him during troubled times and allow Him to take care of it. And ya, thanks Amelia for comforting me on the phone when you got tons of assignment at hand =)

I was also greatly blessed with the company of this bunch of crazeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee people in camp! I see the light and joy that God shine into their lives; thanks so much for making this camp AWESOMEEEEEE!

Erica truly deserved the Psycho Award she won!

This group belongs to Erica.

We look like we're dancing but we're actually wrestling with our butts.

Our group - the 'Cool-Cool' Group

No further comments please.

There are just so many pictures of Psycho Erica.

I really just can't stop laughing in her company!

The other sakai's - Swee Ling, Jamie & Christine

All in all, the glory, the praises goes to you Father Lord.

Help me continue to run this race as Your child Father.

And help me complete Your will on earth as it is in Heaven.

Now heaven, be open
Our God is, unshaken
We worship, Christ risen
High above

Now heaven, be open
All kingdoms, all nations
Declare that “You are God”

Note:

Samson has been diagnosed with H1N1; please pray for him and his family and also take necessary precaution, drink lots of water, take your vitamins and try not to go out this coming week (though ya it's the last week of your holidays). If you note any of the symptoms please go to the doctor immediately.

There Are Better Things Ahead, Than Any We Leave Behind

2009-08-18T08:32:00.002+08:00

It's the saddest thing knowing it's the last time I'm going to hear your loud guffaw, knowing it's the last time our lives are going to cross path this closely. It is difficult for me yet I know it is going to be so much more difficult for you in a foreign land.

I pray that the Lord will send out all His angels to keep you safe; that regardless of everything around you, you will remain strong in mind, body and heart. I pray all that you do continue to find favor in His eyes and that you may continue to complete His will as you have done thus far. I pray that you'll find peace in Him as you start this new chapter of your life; that when the thought that you are in Nebraska finally sinks in, His presence will be with you.

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."

James 1:2-4

So, have a safe journey my dear friend, as I quote Jon Yam - "Stay awesome!"

ps -

I'll be going away for camp until Friday, so guys, if I don't reply it's not because I'm drunk okay (Ya, that is directed to JC) Happy holiday guys! Have a great one!

17th August 2009

2009-08-17T06:56:00.001+08:00

My Last Long Semester (hopefully)

2009-08-12T00:54:00.004+08:00

This semester felt like a year.

When my final paper ended at 10.05am August 10th 2009, I've never felt lighter, happier and more relieved since May when the semester started. I've never packed more in one semester and I've never felt more satisfied - the feeling that every moment of your days are filled with things you'd said you would do.

Finishing up that last chapter of US history, typing that last paragraph of PSY200 experiment report after 4 nights of falling asleep at the dining table, finally registering for TOEFL after delaying it for 6months. Then, occasionally deviating from all the buzz; driving to mid valley just to have ice cream and read in Borders or eating naan beside lakeview at 8pm (feeding the mosquitoes at the same time).

By the time the last day came, I'm so numb and lost in that constant motion I can barely acknowledge that my semester has ended. Before I know it, finals are done and history. The results will be out in another 2 weeks then here comes a new semester!

Sometimes life just keeps hitting you with one thing after another and you just gotta stand strong and step up to the occasion.

And all the roads that lead to you were winding
And all the lights that light the way are blinding
There are many things that I would like to say to You
But I don't know how.

However, no matter what, You are the rock on which I stand.

anticlimax, no ending la this post. Emoe okay. Go play and be nice.

If you have 1.5minutes to spare Jess...

2009-07-28T06:09:00.001+08:00

Please watch this!

Oh What A Day

2009-07-25T20:51:00.002+08:00

Dear diary,

Today I woke up at 6.30am although it is a Saturday because my mummy woke me up. I decided to go back to sleep for another 15 minutes but it became 30 minutes and I was awoken by my mummy's angry voice from downstairs "JESSICA LOKE LING XIN! ARE YOU SLEEPING AGAIN!"

So I got up. Put on pants I found lying on the floor with a t-shirt that was hanging at my door. Then went downstairs and drank my horlicks like a zombie. Mummy makes me horlicks every morning because she said I'm malnourished.

After dropping mummy off at the Holiday Villa it was only 7.30am, so, I decide to wake Amelia up and make her have breakfast with me. The first thing she said to me as she enter the car was "i hate you jessloke." But we went to have breakfast like 'normal' people at 7.45am anyways.

After 3 hours of gossip and generous donation to one of those low costs high charges kopitiams I sent Amelia home then went home myself. I was going to write my macroeconomic essays but decided I have plenty of time and it was the weekends anyways. So I slept until 4pm.

I woke up. Ate some leftover pizza. Sat here at the computer. Next thing I know it is now 9pm.

Hmmm......where did all my time went......I wonder........

I did nothing for an entire day for once since the past 2 months. And I'm happy =)

Where is Jess?

2009-07-18T09:07:00.008+08:00

Busy. Busy. Busy.

How busy?

Busy until haven't login to facebook for 2 weeks.

Wah. THAT busy!

Busy with what?

Nah, you see for yourself.

This is Alexis + US History

This is Jessica + US History

This is Alexis + Jessica + US History + Starbucks Caffeine

And this is how the view into Jessica's car look like every morning before class.

The focus of the picture is actually not the smiling girl at the right lower corner (Hafizah) but the window cleaners and our amazement of them during US History class.

Sometimes we take a break off US History to inspire KC for her advertising class' assignments.

Who is KC?

This is KC (without Jessica)

This is KC again (with Jessica!)

This is KC trying to look cool (for Jessica)

So these are the 2 people I've been hanging out with day in day out for the past month.

Some people walk to loose calories.

We walk to gain them.

While walking we sometimes see things like that - a flatten rat.

This is after 3 days when I first saw it with its organ squeezed out because a car ran over it.

Sometimes we walk outside school on field trips to Bank Negara to listen about Islamic Banking (because US History lost its ability to bore us)

Of course, we have to camwhore in Bank Negara's washroom.

On another occasion, we got Jessica's first haircut since November 2008.

Yet, It didn't stop Jessica from continuing her bad habit of pulling her hair.

(Somebody please slap me or something when you see me pulling my hair or I might look like Samy Vellu in few more years)

Other times, we decide to bake like typical domestic housewives.

And then, Alexis decided that the floor lacked marble floor flavors.

So, we might get a little dramatic.

(this camera + glass wall is putting on 100 pounds on me)

But life is still good and God is great as always =)

Running!

2009-07-06T21:46:00.001+08:00

You loved, You loved, A people undeserving.

To the Beat of Our Noisy Hearts!

2009-07-01T22:19:00.003+08:00

On and on, we keep going,
Crowded like subway cars.
On and on to the beat of our noisy hearts.

Life is sprinting ahead of me,
and I'm panting, heart-stopping, legs wobbling,
chasing behind with a big arse nourished by nasi lemak.

It is now Wednesday of week 9!
WEEK 9! WEEK 9! WEEK 9!
~~Only 5 more weeks of classes!!!~~
4 weeks and 3 more days left!

LEFT TO FINALSFINALSFINALS!

I have given up tracking what date it is, what day it is. The days are going by so fast that I'm grateful just to have caught my breathe. Yesterday feels like Sunday, last week felt like tomorrow, 3 weeks ago felt like 3 years ago. This whole time thing is mushing all together and starts to feel like some conspiracy men created. Maybe this whole time thing is not real you know. What if we all just collectively decide that we want to erase one day?

Sometimes I still don't feel I'm doing enough, I wonder what will it be like if I really, REALLY push myself. How much can I contain? How much strength really can I draw from Him?

Meanwhile......

LANG TENGAH!

er. next time lar.
3 assignments and 1 test awaits.

And I'm missing this whacky, crazy, happy person now.

47 days left huh?

Live Your Life!

2009-06-24T21:37:00.002+08:00

love, laugh, leap!

So this is what Shiny replied -

"Oh ya. i read your post bout FOO SHIN YEEN! sakai la u. What is going in your mind huh? trying to make me emo is it. ISH! EVIL.... yes, stop reminding me why are u still here in Malaysia. But i guess, before long i might change my ques to U REALLY GOING TO LEAVE MALAYSIA? .................. arrgh! i dun want to talk so much here la. We don't need all this soft-talking-sweet-writing thingy right? hahahaha... u know secretly how i *cough* ... you. HAHAHAHAHAHA! shit. Disturbing.

bye."

I'm totally assured that Shiny is gonna be my bestest buddy for a LONG time. DISTURBING.

Deadlines, exams, quizzes are totally pounding at my ass. As I'm typing this now I'm thinking about americanhistory.abrahamlincoln.cubanrevolution.woodrowwilson.panamacanal.

I'm constantly planning ahead, making plans on what to do after this, filling my calender, to-do list, never letting a moment go to waste. My mind has not stop thinking, has not stop planning, has not stopstopstop - I dream of social psychology when I sleep at night. I'm reminded to not let inflexibility of my plans push God aside. As I go through my plans, I'm talking to Him constantly, trying hard to be sensitive to His whispers. I want so very much to just hold onto Him, to hide in His embrace - my source of strength, my joy and my salvation.

He planted this special person in my life - a tangible source of His strength and joy. I can't help feeling bless, thanking Him every morning I wake up knowing the presence of this special person will get me through my 'action-packed' day. I can't stop smiling. I can't stop feeling joyful. I can't stop running. I'm constantly on a caffeine-sugar high without either (60% of the time, please applaud and give me some credit).

People are running around with this deep longing and blank stares in their eyes. They try to fill the void in their lives with drugs, sex, and worldly possessions. They wish so desperately for something to believe in. So they stumble after one thing then another, yet feeling more unsatisfied than ever.

I'm grateful to not be lost.

I'm running this race,
for the One I love.

Foo Shin Yeen

2009-06-08T20:00:00.013+08:00

Suddenly I have the feeling I had when I randomly asked ShinYeen,
"What is it gonna be like next year when I'm not around you anymore?"

I asked her that question in December 2008.

I bet she's wondering

WHAT THE HECK IS JESSICA LOKE STILL DOING IN MALAYSIA #%@$%^#$%^@#%^@#^

heheshiny jealous of my beauty

Hi Shiny,

This will be the 15th birthday we're celebrating together. And also the 15th year where I got you nothing ~~because you are someone seriously hard to please~~ because I am so very lazy (your birthday give you face). There is nothing I can tell you here that you wouldn't expect already. You know I love you and will always love you. You know I complain about you bullying me all the time yet I secretly enjoy it. You know when I'm in the states, you will be one of the people I miss so much that I will hide under my blanket and secretly cry.

told you not to copy my answer

I know you so well the same way that whenever anything or anyone happen to cross our path, we only need to give each other that 'stare' to catch what the other is thinking. Right on cue, 5 seconds after staring at each other we'll start laughing like some sakai and other people instead will give us that 'stare'.

hahahahahaha amat mensiasuikan this picture! YOUR IDEA!

You know all my embarrassing little secrets and have continuously announced them out loud to everybody we know.
You know all my nonsensical thoughts and ideas and take joy in reprimanding me in front of everybody.

After 15 years, I have incredibly high self-esteem, am wonderfully gracious taking criticism and am amazingly comfortable being in my own skin because of the training you provided me with.

we need to see kai ma. she emo already.

Fate has it's funny ways. I don't think we'd be even close friends if we weren't placed in the same classes for 13 years because we have absolutely NOTHING in common but the dislike for pets and children. I call you an auntie for watching canto drama; you call me a weirdo for listening to indie music. I think you are secretly in love with me while you think I'm forever living in denial.

shiny bogei

So 30 more years down the road if you're old and lonely (no children mah, plus Chuck Bass will definitely choose me over you), I'll move in together with you and we shall spend the rest of our lives playing wii. We'll fight over which game to play, who got the highest score, and those fights will help us past time. (no life)

Next year will be a tough one for me. Not only being homesick and all but also missing one part of myself that has been there for the past 15years. The part that ~~tells~~ yells at me - what to do, what not to say, what NEVER to wear. Also the part that makes me laugh til' I cry, the part that makes me feel incredibly blessed and most of all, the part that makes me feel very much loved.

awwwwww so sweeeeeeeeeeeet

Sigh. I'm gonna miss you Foo Shin Yeen.
No matter what, I hope to forever be able to call you my 'bestest friend everrrrrr'

Jess Renewed

2009-06-08T01:35:00.002+08:00

Let me type one more emo post.
Last one already, nothing left to emo already! =)
PigCousinCarol I promise the next post will be happy-ing and funny til' you roll on the floor, vibrate, and laugh like a sakai.

I'm happy my piggish cousin is happy now.
I'm happy Shiny's birthday is coming.
I'm happy being incredibly busy, even if I'm only sleeping 4 hours a day, I choose to be happy.
I'm happy loving, living and laughing.

When I was upset,
someone told me,
"the greatest things in life happen when you least expect it"

And I know what you mean now.

Today in church I prayed, and prayed, and prayed, like never before. The voice inside keep saying "Don't get tired Jessica, don't get tired, keep going, you got to breakthrough, you need to breakthrough and you will breakthrough to God!" My heart was crying out loud, yet, I know there is something inside of me stuck, unwilling to move.

I have always found ways to justify my actions, my behaviors. No matter right nor wrong. Excuses, excuses, excuses.

I have been missing church. Missing cell group meetings. Missing from ministry. It is not that I have backslided *here comes justification* I just find it so difficult - Jo is back, mum wants to have sunday mornings together, dad wants to have breakfast, Jo is back again, oh no another test tomorrow, another assignment due tomorrow, Ben is back this time. It became easier and easier to not go.

Today while thinking about my praise report, I thought of thanking God for my academic results, for never leaving me even when I casually dismiss Him, for His continued presence, for a great, life-changing, service today. Then, when I opened my mouth to speak, the words came out different.

I know the fact that I was in church today was because I promise to be there no matter what. It didn't matter that I haven't bath in more than 24hours (again), didn't matter I haven't complete my assignments, didn't matter I only had 2 hours of sleep, overslept and was running late. And I made this promise because I was touched by a friend I recently met. I tell you, this person is ON FIRE for God. Whenever we talk the topic of God will definitely come up and I would feel so blessed after each conversation. I can literally feel guided step by step back towards Him. It was as if I was buried underneath ~~an inch~~ many inches of dust and each conversation was polishing me, making me new again. I can sense that this person was a blessing from God, an urgent/instant messenger from God - because I've only started knowing her for 5 days now - telling me to get rid of my selfish justifications and excuses, telling me that I desperately need to change my ways.

When I'm done, I realize my spirit spoke on behalf of me.
All sense of pretense, my mountain of excuses, they were all gone.
And once again, it is only me and Him.

Thank you to 'this person', you know who you are.

Jess Needs To....

2009-06-03T23:36:00.002+08:00

1. Stop playing sims.
2. Stop playing sims.
3. Stop playing sims.

4. Start on assignments.
5. Start on assignments.
6. Start on assignments.

7. Make sure I wake up at 6am tomorrow.
8. Make sure I wake up at 6am tomorrow.
9. Make sure I wake up at 6am tomorrow.

10. KEEP ON JUMPING SMILING AND SINGING =))))))))))))))

Jess is Too Busy

2009-06-03T00:27:00.002+08:00

1. Playing sims.
2. Playing sims.
3. Playing sims.

Here's a picture as update. Nah.

credits : nataliedee